Ladies and Gentlemen, for the month of September, I will be reviewing a bunch of threequels. I'm not sure how many I can squeeze in this month, but there's plenty of third installments that I can talk about. Some give great closure to a movie series, and others completely butcher everything you loved about the franchise. That's just how threequels work... It's hit or miss, really... But most of them miss... badly...
That leads me to talk about the first threequel to be reviewed by me this month: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines
Well... for starters, this movie is the answer to the question: "What if Michael Bay made a Terminator movie?"
Yes, I know Bay had nothing to do with this film and that it's directed by Jonathan Mostow, but there's plenty of dumb moments and explosions to give my opening question plenty of merit.
Okay, so I'm going to give you a little history lesson on this franchise. The Terminator is a 1984 action/sci-fi film, directed by James Cameron and starring Linda Hamilton as main protagonist Sarah Connor, Michael Biehn as Sarah's protector/love interest Kyle Reese, and Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator. In the film, a machine called a Terminator is sent back in time to kill Sarah Connor, the mother of the leader of the human resistance: John Connor. Kyle Reese is sent back through time to protect Sarah. The movie was a box office success and received universal acclaim from critics (it has a 100% rating on rotten tomatoes). It is highly regarded as one of the greatest movies ever made, and it launched both James Cameron and Arnold Schwarzenegger into superstardom.
The movie's sequel, Terminator 2: Judgment Day was an even better movie (in my opinion) completely outdoing the original masterpiece in every aspect, from acting, to storytelling, to characters, and to special effects. It had Linda Hamilton and Arnie reprising their roles (with Arnie being to protector this time) and also starred Edward Furlong as John Connor, and Robert Patrick as the deadly motherfucking T-1000. The T-1000 was a liquid metal robot that could turn its hands into knives and chop your dog's head off, it was sent back through time to kill John Connor when he was still a child, while the T-800 Arniebot was reprogrammed and sent back as John's protector. Sarah Connor had gone insane by this point, mostly because of PTSD suffered during the first movie and the fact that no one believed her when she said the world was going to blow up... not even her son. She's fucking nuts in that movie! Anyways, T2 was the definitive blockbuster of 1991, and regarded by many as the greatest sequel ever made, not to mention one of the best movies ever made and my all time favourite for that matter. It cemented Arnie's legacy as one of the greatest action heroes of all time, as well as cemented James Cameron's legacy as the best action movie director ever and one of the greatest directors of our generation... not to mention my favourite director. Last but not least, these two movies cemented the Terminator series as the thinking man's action franchise.
Now as far as T3 is concerned: If you're not a fan or don't know anything about the first 2 movies... Well first of all, shame on you! And second of all, this movie will probably remind you of Transformers and any other Michael Bay boomfest. Since you don't know of the first 2 Terminators, I'd imagine that you're into stuff like Transformers and such, so T3 might be right up your alley!
On the other hand, if you're die hard fan of the first 2 movies, and you regard T1 and T2 as absolute masterpieces and always mention them as your all time favourite movies... Well... when you're watching T3, the movie is looking right back at you, and it's doing this to you:
Well you know what? FUCK YOU TOO, MOVIE! FUCK YOU TOO!
Alright, so now I'm going to dive into all the problems this movie has... Here's 3 of them right off the bat.
1. James Cameron didn't direct it
This is the biggest and most important reason why T3 should've never entered production. As I've already said, the Terminator series is the thinking man's action franchise, and James Cameron is the thinking man's action director. Terminator is his baby, it's Cameron's dream come to life, literally (look it up you'll know what I mean). To put this franchise in the hands of anyone else is completely insane, as a series that has complex themes, complex characters, and complex storytelling requires the attention to detail and perfectionism that only Cameron can offer. No disrespect to Jonathan Mostow, but he's NOT James Cameron! No one is, and that's why only he can make a good Terminator movie!
And don't be a smartass and say "Well maybe another good director like Spielberg or Scorsese could've made this movie and it would've been just as good." No, it wouldn't have. Spielberg would've oversimplified the story and characters and Scorsese would've focused too much on the characters and forgot about all the cool action. I'm not saying that either one of them are bad directors, as they're both among my favourites, I'm just saying they would've been out of their elements. Much like how Cameron would've been out of his element if he directed Goodfellas or Schindler's List.
My point is that the first 2 Terminators have a perfect balance between relentless thrills and compelling human drama, and Cameron is the best at finding that balance. To put it simply, if a Terminator movie can't be made with James Cameron at the helm, then it shouldn't be made at all.
2. No Linda Hamilton in this movie and Sarah Connor's character is killed off, OFF SCREEN!
This really pissed me off! Sarah Connor is the main character of the whole god damn thing! Throughout the first two movies, we see her transform from a hopeless waitress to a smart, determined mother who will do anything to protect her son. One of the most interesting things to watch in T1 and T2 is her character arc, going from Susie Homemaker to Susie Kill-You-With-My-Pinkie-10-Times-Before-You-Hit-The-Ground.
Linda Hamilton was born to play this role, and she completely nailed it in both movies. And it would've been awesome to see her reprise the role again in this movie... but no, she gets killed off... OFF SCREEN! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Look, if you're going to kill off the most important and most compelling character of this series, fine. But give her the epic death that she deserves, and let us fucking see it! The best example I could give for this is Spock's death in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan: He sacrificed himself to save his crew, and his death scene is felt by both his on-screen friends and the audience watching it. In T3, it is revealed that Sarah succumbed to Leukemia in between the events of the 2nd and 3rd movies, and that she fought the disease DURING the events of T2!
Wait... What? WHAT?
So you're telling me that she was suffering from Leukemia while she was in that mental home? Because it didn't look like she was receiving any help from it. You'd think that Silberman would've mentioned that while talking about her to the rest of the doctors! You'd think that the treatment would've weakened her pretty badly to the point where she wouldn't even be able to attempt an escape, not to mention that she would've been forced to move into the minimum security wing to get the proper treatment... and to see her son, because, you know, I think any hospital, mental or otherwise, would allow a son to see their dying mother! Fuck!
Seriously, movie? Killing off the most badass female character ever conceived wasn't enough for you so you had to shit all over T2 as well? You give her pathetic off-screen death that's explained in two lines of dialogue and you manage to completely fuck up one of the greatest movies ever made in the process????
FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!
I'll be back, I need to go cool off... While I'm gone watch this scene from T2, it's very fitting for this review since T3 should've been wiped out and nuked before it was even made.
Ok, I'm fine now...
Now I know that Linda Hamilton herself was going through some troubles that kept her from reprising the role, hence why she was killed off... But then again, that's another reason why this movie shouldn't have been made. Simple as that.
3. Edward Furlong isn't cast as John Connor
This problem is much more minor, but I feel like I should still point it out. Now I'm not saying Nick Stahl was a bad casting choice, he did a pretty decent job considering the shitty material he had to work with. It's just that when I think of John Connor, I think of Eddie playing him in T2 and putting on an awesome performance for a child actor. In 2003, he would've been around the same age as John's character in T3, so it would've worked from that perspective. Also, considering that John Connor was written as a low-life drifting junkie in T3, playing the role wouldn't have been too much of a stretch for Furlong.
So that's 3 problems right off the bat, what are some other ones? Well...
The movie as a whole went completely in the wrong direction. T2 was a perfect conclusion to this storyline, as Judgment Day was stopped and all of the characters completed their story arcs. I would've liked it if it took the prequel route... I mean, with a title like Rise of the Machines, that's the direction I thought they were going in. That way we can see what happened before the timeline was manipulated, before the original Terminator and Reese were sent back. I wanted to see how Cyberdyne originally built Skynet, how John and Sarah survived the initial blasts, how John grew to become the leader of the resistance, and maybe, as a wink at the audience, we find out how the T-101 originally came to be (I'm aware of that deleted scene... but I'm not counting that). Stuff like that, for me at least, would've been interesting to see.
But instead of that, we got a complete rehash of T2... in fact... I felt like it was more of a parody than a rehash. Instead of walking into a biker bar, the Arniebot walks into a male strip-club to get his leather clothes. Instead of fighting in a steel factory, we see the Arniebot and the cheap T-1000 knockoff fight in a washroom, swinging urinals at each other. We see Arnie put on Star-shaped glasses instead of Gargoyles. The T-XXX enlarges her breasts to steal a cop's gun, seductively licks blood off a napkin, and fucking orgasms when she finds John Connor! This movie wasn't even taking itself seriously! And even if this movie was meant to be a parody, it was a shitty parody! Hell, it wasn't even better than this parody...
Another big problem is the villain. Whoever came up with the T-X was obviously trying too hard to one-up the T-1000... and failed miserably. Mostly because they tried to make her too sexy. If you want a Terminator to be a woman, fine, but don't give her any flaunting sex appeal. Make her stab the cop with her arm, don't make her enlarge her tits and say "I like your gun" all seductively... sheesh! You gave her all the gadgets and weapons in the world, and even gave her morphing ability... but you forogot to make her intimidating and scary... Good job, guys!
Another gigantic fuck-up is that this movie's overall message completely spits in the face of T2. According this movie, the actions taken by our heroes in the third act of T2 only delayed Judgment Day, and "Judgment Day" is inevitable. So all that "no fate but what we make" stuff from T2 has been rendered completely pointless... Just... wow...
Yes, that is me, facepalming
Again... FUCK YOU, T3! FUCK YOU!
This movie is really fucking pissing me off! The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day are absolute masterpieces. People will be talking about these two movies until the end of time. Both of them were original, revolutionary, action packed, intelligently made, filled with brilliantly complex characters and storytelling. They'll go down as some of the greatest films ever made, and they're right up there with the first two Godfather movies and the first two Alien movies as one of the greatest 1-2 punches in movie history! T3 is a movie that did not need to be made, at least in the way that it was made! The story was complete at the end of T2, it didn't need to be continued at all. I understand that Hollywood is all out of ideas and wants to cash in on everything, you want to make a Terminator movie without James Cameron directing it, and without Linda Hamilton, ok then, whatever, I get it, you want to cash in at the expense of quality filmmaking. But THIS? THIS IS WHAT YOU GIVE US? This could've been so much better if it was done right! Like, holy fuck! If you went the prequel route sans Cameron, it probably would've still had gaping flaws, but at least the franchise would've went in the right direction! To give us this rehash that not only makes fun of the first 2 movies but spits in the face of what T1 and T2 were all about, is downright insulting! It's fucking pathetic, fucking pitiful, fucking atrocious! Fucking everything, fuck you! Fuck... fuck... fuck... FUCK!!! FUCK THIS MOVIE! FUCK IT!
I'll be back... I have to take another breather... I'm not even going to give you a video to watch because I'm too pissed to fucking look for one...
Ok, so after another breather, I bet you want to know if there's anything about this movie that I liked... Well, as much as I hate to admit it, yes. This movie has some redeeming qualities...
The three main actors of this movie, that being Arnie, Nick Stahl, and Claire Danes, all did good jobs playing their respective characters, especially considering how shitty the material they had to work with was. Arnie actually nailed it again as the Terminator, and quite frankly, he stole the show... Even though there wasn't much of a show to steal.
What else did I like? Well, the action scenes were actually very entertaining. The chase scene with the crane is one of the very few highlights from this film. It's good mindless fun... but well, that's not what I'm looking for in a Terminator movie.... I have Independence Day for that. Destroying shit and blowing shit up just for the sake of it isn't what this movie series is about. At least with the action scenes of the first 2 movies, you were invested into what was going on, the chases and explosions had depth and meaning behind it. While the main chase of T3 is well executed... you just don't care about it. Remember when I said this feels like a Michael Bay movie? Well, here you go.
In conclusion, while the actors did a good job, and the chase scenes were at least entertaining, it doesn't save the movie. It suffers from an inconsistent tone, atrocious writing, poor directing, little to no character development, terrible pacing, and it spits in the face of Terminator lore. Is it one of the worst films I've ever seen? No... But it's still really bad, and as Terminator fan, it's insulting!
I'm giving this movie 4 out of 10 as a standalone film... As a Terminator movie, it gets 11 endoskeletons out of 100
As usual... the comments section is down there for all your trolling needs.
- Mad Mike of Metal
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