Mad Reviews - Terminator 2: Judgment Day

Welcome back to Terminator week! I already did a review for T3 last September as part of my threequel month, and managed to look at The Terminator the other day. With that being said, it's time for me to look at a movie that is not only one of the best sequels ever made, not only one of the greatest action movies ever made, but just flat out one of the greatest films of all time: Terminator 2: Judgment Day.

This movie owns at life, period.

I don't even know where to begin when it comes to talking about this movie's awesomeness! Everything about this film is fucking awesome! Awesome story, awesome visuals, awesome action, awesome characters, awesome acting, awesome directing, awesome music, awesome fucking everything! Many people reading this will just think I'm some fanboy who sucks this movie's dick on a daily basis... While you're right, please bear with me as I dive into this film. I'm going to give T2 an in-depth analysis, and carefully explain why this movie is better than you.

So it starts off showing a random day in Los Angeles, the LA Freeways are packed, and some kids are having fun on a playground. All of a sudden, FLASH! Everything is destroyed and everyone becomes a skeleton. We then hear some awesome narration by Sarah Connor: "3 billion human lives ended on August 29th, 1997. The survivors of the nuclear fire called the war 'Judgment Day.' They lived only to face a new nightmare: The war against the machines." BAM! Terminator foot crushes a skull, and we as the audience are brought right smack in the middle of this war. Terminators and HK's are fucking shit up everywhere, human soldiers are blowing shit up, and then we cut to a tracking shot of John Connor walking out of a bunker. As the camera zooms in on Connor's face, we hear narration from his mother, stating events of the first Terminator, and explaining that another one was on the way to kill him when he was still a child. Cue the title and theme song.

That sequence was fucking cool. It gives you everything you need as an audience member to move forward with the story. It gives you the premise, the setting, the people, and some nice action on top of it to bring it all home. This movie doesn't waste any time in letting you know that the next 2 and a half hours are going to blow your fucking mind! Seriously, when that Terminator foot steps on that skull, you know you're in for something special.

While I'm still on the subject of this sequence, I would like to mention that John Connor in this time is my favourite representation of the character. When I see that look on his face, I think to myself: "That is what the leader of the human resistance should look like." In that one scene, he's a total fucking badass. Don't worry, I like Edward Furlong too, but I'll get to him later.

After this war sequence, we get the title sequence. Complete with a fiery playground and possibly one of the greatest theme songs of all time. Dudun Dun Dudun! Dudun Dun Dudun! Aww fuck it, I'm just going to play it for you because I can't describe how fucking epic it is...

Fuckin' eh!

 

 

That theme, not to mention the rest of the soundtrack, is fucking brilliant. Every single note Brad Fiedel composes perfectly captures the essence of each frame. Hell, even the rock songs in this film are perfectly used. I can never listen to "Bad to the Bone" without thinking of that awesome pan-up shot of the Arniebot. Heck, that whole scene was an amazing character introduction. He just walks into a bar completely naked and starts fucking shit up. Then he steals a dude's clothes, boots and motorcycle just because he can. He then steals a guy's shotgun and sunglasses because he's a fucking badass.

 

The T-1000's introduction is awesome too. He just sneaks up behind a cop and takes his ass out. He then disguises himself as the cop and goes on his merry way.

 

Speaking of the T-1000, he has got be the deadliest son of a bitch that's ever been put on celluloid. A liquid metal Terminator sent back in time to kill John Connor, he is absolutely relentless in his pursuit. He can imitate any human he touches, run faster than Usain Bolt, make spikes out of his fingers, make swords out of his arms, become a floor, and catch a fucking fist with his head! The T-1000 remains one of the greatest villains in cinematic history, and is a robotic personification of death itself.

 

So how does Arnold's T-800 match up against that? Pretty well actually. Sent back in time as John Connor's protector, he proves to be a very efficient bodyguard for the future leader of the human race. Over the course of the movie, he begins to learn how to be more human. He learns some cool catchphrases, he gives high fives and thumbs up, and smiles (albeit like a dickhead). He also learns the value of human life, and how he just can't go around killing people. We as an audience begin to care for this machine greatly as his character fleshes out and he develops a father-son relationship with John. However, when the T-1000 enters the scene, the T-800 goes into primal mode and does everything he can to protect John, even if it results in his demise (or termination, haw haw haw).

 

The T-800 in this film is one of the greatest movie heroes of all time. Stopping at nothing to save the day and complete his mission. Of all the would-be fathers John Connor had in his life, this machine was the only one that measured up. It would always be there for John, and would die to protect him. He also holds his own pretty well when he throws down with the much stronger and more advanced T-1000, right up to the point where he grenade launches its ass. Although that death scene was cool, it wasn't as awesome as when he shattered the T-1000 into a million pieces... Which is the most badass moment of the whole fucking film:

 

HOLY FUCK THAT WAS AWESOOOMMMEE!!!!

 

 

Alright, enough about the robots now, how about the human characters? Well, they're fucking great too! I'm going start off with John Connor himself. At the beginning, he's a delinquent little shit head who has a juvenile record a mile high, doesn't listen to his foster parents, and steals a bunch of money from an ATM to use at an arcade! However, once he meets up with Arnie's T-800, he begins to change. In a strange way, John learns the value of humanity and respect by teaching these qualities to the Terminator. It's as if he's telling himself some of the things he's telling the Arniebot and learning from his own advice. We also see glimpses of the strong leader he's going to become, especially during the scene where they remove the T-800's CPU to reset the switch to a learning computer.

 

All in all, this character is exactly what I would imagine a young John Connor to be like. Rebellious, brash, but yet has a heart of gold and developing leadership skills. He's a tremendous character and this incarnation of him remains the most fleshed out.

 

Now I'm going to get to the star of this movie, the character that the first 2 movies have been centered around: Sarah Connor. She is without a doubt the most badass female character of all time not named Ellen Ripley. By the end of the first Terminator, we see her fully transformed into a strong and determined woman. In this film, she's suffering from PTSD and is in a mental institution after trying to blow up a computer factory. She's also the victim of mistreatment in this joint as some of the hospital attendants are having a little fun with her, not to mention the recurring nightmare about the impending apocalypse (that nightmare about the hydrogen bomb wiping everything out... Jesus! It's still uneasy to watch). Once she sees the pictures of the T-800 taken that very day, she turns herself into a weapon.

 

One of my favourite parts of the movie is when one of the attendants (who had been assaulting Sarah physically and sexually) gets his nose completely smashed off of his face when Sarah smokes him with a broken broomstick (you can even see pieces of the dude's nose flying off). She eventually meets up with the T-800 and her son, and reluctantly allows the Arniebot to lead the way even though she doesn't trust him (who could blame her? She was almost killed by one of those things). While her character is strong and independent, she's still emotionally unstable. This is made very apparent when she learns about Miles Dyson, the creator of Skynet. She eventually decides to change the future and go kill this guy, which in effect turns her into a Terminator. Thankfully, she fails that attempt. Through that failure, she learns the value of human life.

 

Sarah's character arc is complete at the end, when she shakes the Terminator's hand. She realizes at that moment that if a machine can learn the value of human life, maybe we can too. 

 

What else can I say about these characters? What other movie has one of the greatest heroes of all time, one of the greatest villains of all time, one of the most complex child characters of all time, and one of the most badass heroines of all time? I personally can't think of any other movie off the top of my head that has that. Each of these characters are iconic in their own right, and they add to T2's greatness.

 

As for the performances, I'll keep this short and sweet. Arnold nails it again as the now good guy T-800, solidifying himself as one of the greatest action stars of all time. Robert Patrick was perfectly cast as the T-1000, bringing this cold, calculating badass to life. Edward Furlong puts on one of the best child performances of all time as the young John Connor, child actors can make or break a movie, and thankfully he brought his A-game (the only time he ever did). What can I say about Linda Hamilton? She puts on one of the greatest female performances of all time, bringing the tough, determined, yet damaged Sarah to life and lifting the character to a mythological status. So yeah, for a big-budget action blockbuster, these actors didn't fuck around.

 

Now I'm going to get to the action and special effects... and... oh my god! It's fucking relentless! We have fistfights, we have gun fights, we have chases, we have explosions that would make Michael Bay die of embarrassment, WE HAVE ROBOTS WHO CATCH PUNCHES WITH THEIR FUCKING HEADS! God it's just so fucking awesome. I had already mentioned just how fucking awesome the T-1000 shattering scene was, but this is so jam packed with awesome action and effects that it was hard as hell to pick a favourite! The freeway chase scene has become legendary on it's own, as it's relentless, thrilling, and even scary to watch (especially when the T-1000 is nudging John's bike). Heck, even the other two chase scenes are awesome. The one where the T-1000 hooks up to the cop car is fucking epic... And of course, anything this epic has to have a parody:

 

Yes, I know it's Spanish, it's still awesome!

 

 

The last chase scene is cool too. My favourite part of that is when the Arniebot says "fuck it", climbs onto the truck and completely unloads an M16 into the T-1000's face. That scene is both hilarious and badass at the same time.

 

The visual effects in this movie were groundbreaking at the time and still look fantastic today. Everyone talks about the CGI that was used in this film, and while it's fucking amazing to look at, I think it's every other kind of effect that impresses me the most. We have stop motion, animatronics, miniatures, you name it. The CGI was merely just an extra tool in this melting pot of effects, and it was only really used for the T-1000 morphing between one animatronic to another. Most of the T-1000 effects were animatronic puppets, including this one:

 

Why T-800? Why u do this?

 

That's what makes these effects hold up so brilliantly: Because they were REAL! Stan Winston's team only used CGI when they really needed to. It was only a spice, it wasn't the fucking entrée! Yes, CGI has evolved and gotten a lot better these days, but some of the magic is lost when you create sterile environments from in front of a computer. That's what makes T2 stand out effects-wise, because everything you see (aside from the morphing) is real. It adds grit and a sense of realism to the whole thing.

 

As great as all the action and effects are, it would all be useless if it wasn't used to drive the story. The story is at the heart of this film and it brings all the other elements together. Two Terminators are sent back through time: One to kill John Connor, and the other to protect him. They bring John's mother along for the ride, and then through a set of circumstances, our heroes goals are to now stop Judgment Day. We watch as they go through hell to prevent the uprising and an eventual Armageddon. This films tells a cautionary tale of humanity's ever-growing dependence on technology, and this was a subtext that has only gotten more revelant to this day. It's yet another reason why T2 holds up so well.

 

The relationship between John and the Terminator develops and gets stronger as the story goes on, and as the Terminator becomes more human, we as audience grow to love him. Of course, this all leads to a climax that is every bit as amazing as the rest of the movie before it.

 

This is when I would give a spoiler warning, but it's been 24 years, watch the fucking thing.

 

We see Sarah unload round after round of shotgun blasts into the T-1000, but just as he's about to be knocked into the molten steel pit, she runs out of ammo. The T-1000 then wags his finger and starts marching towards Sarah... when BAM! The T-800 ex-machinas into the scene and blasts that liquid metal son-of-a-bitch into the pit with a grenade launcher. After the T-1000 is terminated, we think that this is all over... But it's not...

 

You see... there is one more piece of the future that needs to go in order to stop Judgment Day, and that's the T-800 himself... Oh man, I'm just going to show you that scene... Man tears, guys... Man tears!

 

What? I'm not crying! STOP LOOKING AT ME!

 

This movie an absolute masterpiece, and I really don't know any other way to describe it. It takes action, sci-fi, horror, human drama, and combines all of those elements so seamlessly. There's absolutely nothing in this film that takes a back seat. The action is awesome, the story is amazing, the characters are legendary, the acting is great, the tone is brilliant, the soundtrack is jaw-dropping... Seriously! This movie is fucking perfect!

 

If I had to pick any flaws... Well... There are none!

 

This is my favourite movie of all time, and no other movie can touch it in my opinion. I absolutely adored this film when I first saw it as a kid, and I love it even more now as an adult. It's complete cinematic perfection, and like many classic films, this movie doesn't age.

 

 

This gets 1 000 000 endoskeletons out of 100. Or, as the Terminator himself would put it, it gets one thumb up:

 

 

 

Thanks for reading this review! I'll be back with my reviews for Terminator Salvation and Terminator Genisys within the next week. Until then, troll in the comments below.

 

- Mad Mike of Metal

Mad Reviews: The Terminator

 

Welcome back to Mad Reviews! In light of Terminator Genisys coming out next Friday (which I'm sure is going to be just a doozy), I've decided to dedicate my next batch of reviews to the Terminator saga. I've already written a review for Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines, so I will be taking a look at the other 3 movies in this series, and conclude this chapter of Mad Reviews with a review on Terminator Genisys. In case you can't tell, I'm not really looking forward to the latest installment of the franchise... But now is not the time to be negative. I'm going to be travelling back to 1984, when James Cameron created one of the most brilliant films made: The Terminator. Here we go!

 

Alright, so in middle of directing the doomed-from-the-start Piranha II, James Cameron ended up having a nightmare about being hunted down by a big metal robot with red eyes. This nightmare planted the seed for this movie. Within 2 years, a script was written, the production was green-lit, and a then unknown Arnold Schwarzenegger was cast in role of the villainous Terminator. 

The premise: In 2029, the human resistance has all but won a lengthy bloody war against the machines, and the only way the machines can win this war is to fight it in the past. An infiltration unit is sent back to 1984 to kill Sarah Connor (Linda Hamilton), the mother of the leader of the human resistance, John Connor. The human resistance sends back Kyle Reese (Michael Beihn) to protect Sarah. From here, we're taken on thrill ride as Reese and Connor avoid the Terminator at all costs, and save the future of mankind. Pretty simple, eh?

Little did we know that this low-budget, neo-noir sci-fi thriller would become a critical and commercial juggernaut and launch both its director and lead actor into the stratosphere! So what made this film one of the most beloved of all time? Well, let me give you a list of reasons:

1. The opening title sequence

I usually don't talk about title sequences since they just give us the credits and the title of the film. But the way this movie does it is so freaking cool! You see all the credits being typed out one by one while a bunch of large, metallic lettering scrolls in opposing directions in the background. I remember always being blown away from it as a kid, especially when I realized that those huge letters were spelling out "TERMINATOR". And of course, the theme playing along to it... Oh man... The theme! THE THEME! 

Yes, the metallic heartbeat is bone-chilling. It adds the perfect icing on the cake to this sequence, and overall this sequence sets the tone beautifully for this film!

2. The atmosphere

This movie is really dark and eerie, even in the daytime scenes, things still look dark. As mentioned before, The Terminator has a very neo-noir feel to it. When you're making a movie that has an unstoppable killer robot in it, I think it's best to make it as bleak looking as possible. Cameron exploits this notion to endth degree here, and it creates a very raw, terrorizing atmosphere that compliments the film beautifully.

3. The characters

The three main characters of this film are iconic. Sarah Connor is the most badass female character not named Ellen Ripley (although her badassery will not reach its full potential until the sequel). She starts out in this film as a timid, down-on-her-luck waitress. She gets ice cream shoved in her dress, she gets her date cancelled, and then she gets targeted by a robot for assassination... For something she didn't even do yet... Poor Sarah. But by the end of this movie, we get a glimpse of just how hardcore she's going to become. 

Since this film's release, Sarah Connor has become one of the most iconic female characters in movie history. The best part of this movie is seeing her transformation. By the end, you truly believe she's the mother of the leader of the human resistance.

Kyle Reese may not be as much of a household name as Sarah Connor or the Terminator, but he's still a terrific character. A sergeant in the human resistance, he is sent back in time to 1984 to protect Sarah Connor from the Terminator. In his time, he was a hardened soldier, but in 1984, he's a fish out of water. He's assigned to protect Sarah from a massive killer robot with no proper weapons, no idea how this world works, all while suffering from PTSD. Despite all of his vulnerabilities, he's determined to protect Sarah at all costs, even if it means banging her while on the run.

Now we get to the grand daddy of them all: The Terminator. Is there anything about this robot that isn't totally badass?  Let's see here: He operates on himself and rips his own eyeball out; he shoots up a nightclub; he takes 6 shotgun blasts to the chest like it's nothing; crashes into a police station and offs every cop he sees; and he busts into this poor old lady's home and puts 5 rounds in her face just because of her name! 

Oh how I wish we had Terminators and time travel in real life...

 

If only

Seriously, The T-800 in this film one of the most intimidating, relentless, badass motherfuckers to ever be put on film. Chuck Norris checks his closet for a fucking Terminator at night!

You get it by now, right? Characters = Awesome


4. The acting

This film features career making performances out of its 3 main stars. Arnold Schwarzenegger was already a rising action star with the Conan movies  under his belt, but The Terminator is when Arnold truly became Arnold. He was a household name from then on and his star has only gotten brighter since.

Linda Hamilton has become synonymous with the character of Sarah Connor... In fact, I don't even remember any other movie she's been in! But for the one role she did play in her lifetime, it was a great one. No other actress has been able to capture the essence of Sarah like she has, which says a lot because Lena Headey and Emilia Clarke are terrific... But they just couldn't nail down Sarah's character. Linda Hamilton will always be the definitive Sarah Connor, always.

As for Michael Biehn, well... He hasn't had much of a career outside of future Cameron movies, which is shame because he's a terrific talent, and this movie showcases that greatly. He finds a great balance between being strong yet vulnerable as Kyle Reese in this film, and, just like Hamilton, he shines brightly even if it's just for one role.

So yeah, the performances in this movie raised the bar for acting in sci-fi films!

5. Directing

James Cameron's legend was born with this movie. Piranha II may have technically been his first movie, but I consider The Terminator to be his true debut. Every element of Cameron's films are present here: A strong female lead; a badass, shit-your-pants terrifying villain; relentless action mixed with brutal intensity; rich subtext; and the color blue. He manages to combine action, sci-fi, horror and romantic elements in this film, and it all comes together beautifully!

I want to use this opportunity to point out a very clever thing Cameron did in this movie: In the scene where Sarah Connor walks in the Tech Noir nightclub,  the song being played in the background shouts out the lyrics "All alone, I'm a moving target." It was a very clever insertion into this movie and it speaks volumes of Cameron's brilliance. 

He has since become one of the most respected directors of all time, and my personal favourite.

All 5 of those things listed are combined to create one of the most original and awesome movies ever made. It's pretty much flawless, and that's saying something for a movie that features a guy who travels back in time to impregnate a woman and become the father of his own boss... Fucked up, eh?

In case you haven't noticed yet, this is one of my favourite movies of all time. It's a science fiction masterpiece of the likes that will never be seen again. 

This film gets 100 Uzi 9mm's out of 100

There you go! Stay tuned as I will be reviewing Terminator 2: Judgment Day in the next few days. So what I'm saying is...

See ya!

- Mad Mike of Metal

 

 

Mad Reviews: Batman & Robin

Welcome again to Mad Reviews... Because I clearly have nothing fucking better to do! I have to review some piece of shit now just because it's the fucking go-to movie for any critic out there who's trying to make a name for himself! Everyone loves seeing this film get ripped apart, everyone loves to watch hard working joes like me point out everything wrong with it, everyone shits on this movie! EVERYONE! I really don't know what else I can bring to the table that other critics haven't! Seriously, I don't really fucking know why the fuck I have to fucking talk about this fucking movie! EVERYBODY HAS FUCKING TALKED ABOUT IT! Every single critic in the world has pointed out every single problem with this flaming piece of reptilian shit! So in reality, reviewing this thing is fucking pointless because I'll just be repeating what everyone else has said!

But I guess I have to give the people what they want, right? I just have to talk about Batman & Robin, right? Because who cares about how I feel, right?! Yeah! Who cares that I have to fucking sit through this crap! Who cares that I have to submit myself to such awful fucking torture just to fucking keep you people happy, right???!!! Who cares that I have to watch Joel Schumacher bend my childhood over and fuck it right up the ass, right?! Right??!! RIGHT???!!! So here, just for you fucking people, I'm going to be reviewing Batman & Robin, just so I can fucking please all of you! Here you go, you selfish fucking twats!!!

I don't even know where to begin with this crap... Seriously, I don't. This "film" is so oversaturated with bullshit that I find myself surrounded by it, and I can't figure out which direction to go! Did any of that make sense to you? No? Well neither does this movie! Any of it! People actually got paid to make this, think about that!

Alright, so back in 1995, "director" Joel Schumacher took over the reigns of the Batman franchise from Tim Burton (Warner Bros was lobotomized at the time), and he released the third film in this series: Batman Forever. While it was a huge hit, there was a lot of hate for it. The reasons for the hate were because it was too family friendly, and unnecessarily revisiting the Adam West version. Personally, I didn't think it was that bad. It had tons of problems for sure, but I thought the movie did a fine job of combining the elements of the Burton films and the 1960's TV show. Unfortunately for everyone, Schumacher couldn't strike that chord again when he made Batman & Robin... Guhhhh!!!!

This movie begins with homoerotic shots of Bat-nipples, Bat-crotches, and Bat-butts. After our heroes suit up, we hear the first lines of "dialogue" in this thing... Something about Superman working while Alfred is ordering pizza or some shit... I'm not sure exactly what was said because I was busy trying to claw my own eyes out after seeing that close-up of Batman's ass... Anyways, Batman & Robin are driving out of the Bat-tunnel, when commissioner Gordon contacts Batman to inform him of a villain who calls himself "Mister Freeze." From here, we embark on an illogical, puntastic clusterfuck of an adventure... Oh what a disaster!

That first battle with Freeze... wow...It might as well be a fucking puppet show! Everyone and everything is strings! Henchman are getting unrealistically launched into the air, Freeze's gun looks like someone is using the force on it, Robin is pole-vaulting, and our heroes have... BAT HOCKEY SKATES??? You've gotta be fucking kidding me! They literally touch their feet together and skate blades come out of their fucking boots! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, fucking no, god dammit no... Just... fucking... NO!

This shit is followed by Freeze flying some giant rocket penis up in the sky, with Batman trapped inside and Robin trying to get in from the outside. Somehow, Robin doesn't Freeze to death while this rocketship blasts to over 30000 feet in the air. I'm really starting to think that the laws of physics were non-existent in real life on the set of this movie! Sigh...

Anyways, this whole sequence ends with Freeze freezing Robin. Batman eventually thaws him out and they return home, while Freeze gets away with the diamond. So far, this is what I've gathered from the so called "plot" of this movie: Freeze is stealing diamonds so he can use them to create a super freeze gun to freeze Gotham City and then demand a ransom from the city so he can get funding to research the disease that's killing his wife...

That... is... so... fucking... stupid!   

If he needs money to research, why doesn't he just rob a bank? Or kidnap the mayor? Or invest in stock? Fuck, anything would make more fucking sense than the crap he's doing in this movie! But I guess he needed to freeze the city so the movie could show off all the cool winter-style Batman toys. 

Oh, and Freeze is doing all of this in the most puntastic way possible! Check this video for clarification:

What the fuck is this shit?

 

 

Alright, let's move on to Poison Ivy. Wow, this movie crapped all over that character too. Granted, she's not on my list of favourite Batman villains, but this film managed to turn her into an over-the-top punning machine just like Freeze. Her goal is to cover the world in plants, in order for the film to force some kind of environmental message down our throats. Unfortunately, I can't root for her because she's fucking nuts.

What they did with Ivy was fucking abysmal, and Uma Thurman's performance didn't help much either! This is the same chick who was on the posters for Pulp Fiction, and the same chick who kicked ass in Kill Bill, and this is what she gives us for Ivy? My fucking god! At least Arnold's over-the-top cheesiness comes with the territory, but Thurman is a talented actress... For her to give us this garbage is just... wow... can I just watch her chop everyone up in that Tokyo nightclub again? I'm just going to forget she was in this movie.

As for Bane? Well, I can't comment on that because Bane didn't appear in this movie. Ivy had a roid-headed henchman, but that was about it. Bane was nowhere to be found...

Thank god the Joker wasn't in this movie...

Did I also mention Batgirl was in this movie? Yep, and her suit doesn't have nipples on it... Fuck off.

Anyways, I've been going on and on about how fucking dumb this movie is. Well, I haven't even scratched the surface yet! This movie has so many dumb puns, so many continuity errors, so many defiances of the laws of physics, so many stupid gadgets, and so many ridiculous gags. If you thought the fucking Bat-skates were bad, just wait until this movie gives you the Bat Credit Card!

Fuck you

Are you fucking shitting me? How is this... where can he... does this even... WHO THE FUCK CAME UP WITH THIS SHIT? What the hell did he write on his credit card application? "I'm Batman?" Wouldn't Bruce Wayne have to put his funds into that credit line? That would've given everything away right there, wouldn't it? For fuck sakes, where the fuck were everyone's brains on the set of this film? What the fuck was your thought process when you people were coming up with the fucking Bat Credit Card? Jesus tittyfucking Christ!

This just goes from bad to worse. This movie branches off into so many different directions, that you'd swear this film was just a collection of test scenes. The subplots are everywhere! From Robin falling in love with Ivy, to Batgirl racing motorcycles, to Alfred dying, to Bruce's relationship with some chick no one cares about. Do you give a shit about any of it? No! Instead you just cringe over fucking stupid this all is.

Alright, back to the "story". Eventually, Batman ends up catching Freeze, and Freeze is in a specially modified prison cell that keeps his body cold... They sure set that up quick, didn't they? Eventually, Ivy breaks him out and they plan to take over the world together. But have no fear, because Batman and Robin are going to take her down! This leads to one of the many stupid moments in this movie: When Robin kisses Ivy, but remains unscathed due to rubber lips... Really?

Okay, even if I was to buy into the fact that having thin-strip rubber lips can stop poison (which I don't), he literally takes off his rubber lips when he's less than an inch away from her! She could've literally grabbed him and kissed him right there, and boom, he's dead! But no, she instead kicks him into the water. He tries to get out, but the water plants are dragging him back in. Either that, or Schumacher rewound the footage of his head coming out of the fucking water! What the fuck?

GOD DAMN THIS FUCKING MOVIE! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!

I'm just going to wrap this up: Heroes defeat Ivy, Freeze freezes the city, heroes defeat Freeze, heroes unthaw the city, Alfred nurses back to full health, heroes run toward the screen with the Bat Signal as the back drop, cut to credits. Thank god!

This movie is just... aww fuck it! I'm just going to show this following picture to get my point across:

Just think of all the children we could've fed

 

 

 

Enough said...

 

 



Batman & Robin is right up there with the Star Wars prequels as one of the most expensive toy commercials ever made. That's all it really is, just a big marketing campaign for toys. In fact, Warner Bros actually rushed the production of this film so it could come out in time for the new toy line. That really explains a lot. This is an awkward, rushed, campy, braindead piece of shit, and without a doubt one of the worst movies ever made. It destroyed not only Batman for nearly a decade, but superhero movies in general were avoided by Hollywood for over 5 years. What a legacy this movie has

I'm giving this piece of shit 11 points out of 100.

Why eleven points? Well, I know this seems crazy, but this movie is actually worth watching. There's some entertainment to be had in watching this film do everything wrong. I've never seen anything outside of The Room that failed so spectacularly! The writing was awful, the acting was horrendous, the sets were hideous, the effects were bullshit, the direction was putrid. It just completely falls apart on all fronts, and you have to see it to believe it. It's like a train wreck, you just can't look away.

Plus, we're in a golden age of comic book movies now, and I find that many of today's moviegoers are ungrateful for it. We see some pretty good flicks like The Dark Knight Rises, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Thor 2, Iron Man 2, Man of Steel, and The Amazing Spider-Man 2 get a lot of hate from people who don't know how good they have it. So if you're in the hate crowd for any of today's superhero films, then I encourage you to watch Batman & Robin and count your fucking blessings!

I'm done with this crap now, I hope you enjoyed reading this review. See you next time! Until then, the comments are down there!

- Mad Mike of Metal

Mad Reviews - Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Ladies and Gentlemen, for the month of September, I will be reviewing a bunch of threequels. I'm not sure how many I can squeeze in this month, but there's plenty of third installments that I can talk about. Some give great closure to a movie series, and others completely butcher everything you loved about the franchise. That's just how threequels work... It's hit or miss, really... But most of them miss... badly...

That leads me to talk about the first threequel to be reviewed by me this month: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Well... for starters, this movie is the answer to the question: "What if Michael Bay made a Terminator movie?"

Yes, I know Bay had nothing to do with this film and that it's directed by Jonathan Mostow, but there's plenty of dumb moments and explosions to give my opening question plenty of merit.

Okay, so I'm going to give you a little history lesson on this franchise. The Terminator is a 1984 action/sci-fi film, directed by James Cameron and starring Linda Hamilton as main protagonist Sarah Connor, Michael Biehn as Sarah's protector/love interest Kyle Reese, and Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator. In the film, a machine called a Terminator is sent back in time to kill Sarah Connor, the mother of the leader of the human resistance: John Connor. Kyle Reese is sent back through time to protect Sarah. The movie was a box office success and received universal acclaim from critics (it has a 100% rating on rotten tomatoes). It is highly regarded as one of the greatest movies ever made, and it launched both James Cameron and Arnold Schwarzenegger into superstardom.

The movie's sequel, Terminator 2: Judgment Day was an even better movie (in my opinion) completely outdoing the original masterpiece in every aspect, from acting, to storytelling, to characters, and to special effects. It had Linda Hamilton and Arnie reprising their roles (with Arnie being to protector this time) and also starred Edward Furlong as John Connor, and Robert Patrick as the deadly motherfucking T-1000. The T-1000 was a liquid metal robot that could turn its hands into knives and chop your dog's head off, it was sent back through time to kill John Connor when he was still a child, while the T-800 Arniebot was reprogrammed and sent back as John's protector. Sarah Connor had gone insane by this point, mostly because of PTSD suffered during the first movie and the fact that no one believed her when she said the world was going to blow up... not even her son. She's fucking nuts in that movie! Anyways, T2 was the definitive blockbuster of 1991, and regarded by many as the greatest sequel ever made, not to mention one of the best movies ever made and my all time favourite for that matter. It cemented Arnie's legacy as one of the greatest action heroes of all time, as well as cemented James Cameron's legacy as the best action movie director ever and one of the greatest directors of our generation... not to mention my favourite director. Last but not least,  these two movies cemented the Terminator series as the thinking man's action franchise.


Now as far as T3 is concerned: If you're not a fan or don't know anything about the first 2 movies... Well first of all, shame on you! And second of all, this movie will probably remind you of Transformers and any other Michael Bay boomfest. Since you don't know of the first 2 Terminators, I'd imagine that you're into stuff like Transformers and such, so T3 might be right up your alley!

On the other hand, if you're die hard fan of the first 2 movies, and you regard T1 and T2 as absolute masterpieces and always mention them as your all time favourite movies... Well... when you're watching T3, the movie is looking right back at you, and it's doing this to you:

Well you know what? FUCK YOU TOO, MOVIE! FUCK YOU TOO!


Alright, so now I'm going to dive into all the problems this movie has... Here's 3 of them right off the bat.

1. James Cameron didn't direct it

This is the biggest and most important reason why T3 should've never entered production. As I've already said, the Terminator series is the thinking man's action franchise, and James Cameron is the thinking man's action director. Terminator is his baby, it's Cameron's dream come to life, literally (look it up you'll know what I mean). To put this franchise in the hands of anyone else is completely insane, as a series that has complex themes, complex characters, and complex storytelling requires the attention to detail and perfectionism that only Cameron can offer. No disrespect to Jonathan Mostow, but he's NOT James Cameron! No one is, and that's why only he can make a good Terminator movie!

And don't be a smartass and say "Well maybe another good director like Spielberg or Scorsese could've made this movie and it would've been just as good." No, it wouldn't have. Spielberg would've oversimplified the story and characters and Scorsese would've focused too much on the characters and forgot about all the cool action. I'm not saying that either one of them are bad directors, as they're both among my favourites, I'm just saying they would've been out of their elements. Much like how Cameron would've been out of his element if he directed Goodfellas or Schindler's List.

My point is that the first 2 Terminators have a perfect balance between relentless thrills and compelling human drama, and Cameron is the best at finding that balance. To put it simply, if a Terminator movie can't be made with James Cameron at the helm, then it shouldn't be made at all.

2. No Linda Hamilton in this movie and Sarah Connor's character is killed off, OFF SCREEN!

This really pissed me off! Sarah Connor is the main character of the whole god damn thing! Throughout the first two movies, we see her transform from a hopeless waitress to a smart, determined mother who will do anything to protect her son. One of the most interesting things to watch in T1 and T2 is her character arc, going from Susie Homemaker to Susie Kill-You-With-My-Pinkie-10-Times-Before-You-Hit-The-Ground.

Linda Hamilton was born to play this role, and she completely nailed it in both movies. And it would've been awesome to see her reprise the role again in this movie... but no, she gets killed off... OFF SCREEN! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Look, if you're going to kill off the most important and most compelling character of this series, fine. But give her the epic death that she deserves, and let us fucking see it! The best example I could give for this is Spock's death in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan: He sacrificed himself to save his crew, and his death scene is felt by both his on-screen friends and the audience watching it. In T3, it is revealed that Sarah succumbed to Leukemia in between the events of the 2nd and 3rd movies, and that she fought the disease DURING the events of T2!

Wait... What? WHAT?

So you're telling me that she was suffering from Leukemia while she was in that mental home? Because it didn't look like she was receiving any help from it. You'd think that Silberman would've mentioned that while talking about her to the rest of the doctors! You'd think that the treatment would've weakened her pretty badly to the point where she wouldn't even be able to attempt an escape, not to mention that she would've been forced to move into the minimum security wing to get the proper treatment... and to see her son, because, you know, I think any hospital, mental or otherwise, would allow a son to see their dying mother! Fuck!

Seriously, movie? Killing off the most badass female character ever conceived wasn't enough for you so you had to shit all over T2 as well? You give her pathetic off-screen death that's explained in two lines of dialogue and you manage to completely fuck up one of the greatest movies ever made in the process????

FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!




I'll be back, I need to go cool off... While I'm gone watch this scene from T2, it's very fitting for this review since T3 should've been wiped out and nuked before it was even made.

Ok, I'm fine now...

Now I know that Linda Hamilton herself was going through some troubles that kept her from reprising the role, hence why she was killed off... But then again, that's another reason why this movie shouldn't have been made. Simple as that.


3. Edward Furlong isn't cast as John Connor

This problem is much more minor, but I feel like I should still point it out. Now I'm not saying Nick Stahl was a bad casting choice, he did a pretty decent job considering the shitty material he had to work with. It's just that when I think of John Connor, I think of Eddie playing him in T2 and putting on an awesome performance for a child actor. In 2003, he would've been around the same age as John's character in T3, so it would've worked from that perspective. Also, considering that John Connor was written as a low-life drifting junkie in T3, playing the role wouldn't have been too much of a stretch for Furlong.




So that's 3 problems right off the bat, what are some other ones? Well...


The movie as a whole went completely in the wrong direction. T2 was a perfect conclusion to this storyline, as Judgment Day was stopped and all of the characters completed their story arcs. I would've liked it if it took the prequel route... I mean, with a title like Rise of the Machines, that's the direction I thought they were going in. That way we can see what happened before the timeline was manipulated, before the original Terminator and Reese were sent back. I wanted to see how Cyberdyne originally built Skynet, how John and Sarah survived the initial blasts, how John grew to become the leader of the resistance, and maybe, as a wink at the audience, we find out how the T-101 originally came to be (I'm aware of that deleted scene... but I'm not counting that). Stuff like that, for me at least, would've been interesting to see.

But instead of that, we got a complete rehash of T2... in fact... I felt like it was more of a parody than a rehash. Instead of walking into a biker bar, the Arniebot walks into a male strip-club to get his leather clothes. Instead of fighting in a steel factory, we see the Arniebot and the cheap T-1000 knockoff fight in a washroom, swinging urinals at each other. We see Arnie put on Star-shaped glasses instead of Gargoyles. The T-XXX enlarges her breasts to steal a cop's gun, seductively licks blood off a napkin, and fucking orgasms when she finds John Connor! This movie wasn't even taking itself seriously! And even if this movie was meant to be a parody, it was a shitty parody! Hell, it wasn't even better than this parody...

Another big problem is the villain. Whoever came up with the T-X was obviously trying too hard to one-up the T-1000... and failed miserably. Mostly because they tried to make her too sexy. If you want a Terminator to be a woman, fine, but don't give her any flaunting sex appeal. Make her stab the cop with her arm, don't make her enlarge her tits and say "I like your gun" all seductively... sheesh! You gave her all the gadgets and weapons in the world, and even gave her morphing ability... but you forogot to make her intimidating and scary... Good job, guys!

Another gigantic fuck-up is that this movie's overall message completely spits in the face of T2. According this movie, the actions taken by our heroes in the third act of T2 only delayed Judgment Day, and "Judgment Day" is inevitable. So all that "no fate but what we make" stuff from T2 has been rendered completely pointless... Just... wow...

Yes, that is me, facepalming

 

 

 

Like I said before, butchering T3 just wasn't enough for Mostow and company, they had to go crap on T2 as well...

Again... FUCK YOU, T3! FUCK YOU!

This movie is really fucking pissing me off! The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day are absolute masterpieces. People will be talking about these two movies until the end of time. Both of them were original, revolutionary, action packed, intelligently made, filled with brilliantly complex characters and storytelling. They'll go down as some of the greatest films ever made, and they're right up there with the first two Godfather movies and the first two Alien movies as one of the greatest 1-2 punches in movie history! T3 is a movie that did not need to be made, at least in the way that it was made! The story was complete at the end of T2, it didn't need to be continued at all. I understand that Hollywood is all out of ideas and wants to cash in on everything, you want to make a Terminator movie without James Cameron directing it, and without Linda Hamilton, ok then, whatever, I get it, you want to cash in at the expense of quality filmmaking. But THIS? THIS IS WHAT YOU GIVE US? This could've been so much better if it was done right! Like, holy fuck! If you went the prequel route sans Cameron, it probably would've still had gaping flaws, but at least the franchise would've went in the right direction! To give us this rehash that not only makes fun of the first 2 movies but spits in the face of what T1 and T2 were all about, is downright insulting! It's fucking pathetic, fucking pitiful, fucking atrocious! Fucking everything, fuck you! Fuck... fuck... fuck... FUCK!!! FUCK THIS MOVIE! FUCK IT!


I'll be back... I have to take another breather... I'm not even going to give you a video to watch because I'm too pissed to fucking look for one...









Ok, so after another breather, I bet you want to know if there's anything about this movie that I liked... Well, as much as I hate to admit it, yes. This movie has some redeeming qualities...

The three main actors of this movie, that being Arnie, Nick Stahl, and Claire Danes, all did good jobs playing their respective characters, especially considering how shitty the material they had to work with was. Arnie actually nailed it again as the Terminator, and quite frankly, he stole the show... Even though there wasn't much of a show to steal.

What else did I like? Well, the action scenes were actually very entertaining. The chase scene with the crane is one of the very few highlights from this film. It's good mindless fun... but well, that's not what I'm looking for in a Terminator movie.... I have Independence Day for that. Destroying shit and blowing shit up just for the sake of it isn't what this movie series is about. At least with the action scenes of the first 2 movies, you were invested into what was going on, the chases and explosions had depth and meaning behind it. While the main chase of T3 is well executed... you just don't care about it. Remember when I said this feels like a Michael Bay movie? Well, here you go.

In conclusion, while the actors did a good job, and the chase scenes were at least entertaining, it doesn't save the movie. It suffers from an inconsistent tone, atrocious writing, poor directing, little to no character development, terrible pacing, and it spits in the face of Terminator lore. Is it one of the worst films I've ever seen? No... But it's still really bad, and as Terminator fan, it's insulting!

I'm giving this movie 4 out of 10 as a standalone film... As a Terminator movie, it gets 11 endoskeletons out of 100

As usual... the comments section is down there for all your trolling needs.


- Mad Mike of Metal

Mad Reviews: Commando

And here we are folks, Commando: the creme-de-la-creme of mindless action, the poster-child for over-the-top movies. It's overflowing with clichés and silly one-liners, yet has so many cool explosions and actions sequences, the acting is so lame yet the action is so awesome.  It's such a dumb movie yet you can't help but fall in love with it.

But why is such a stupid movie so beloved by Arnold fans and action fans alike? Well, because this is what we expect...

Outside of The Terminator movies, we've come to expect a very cheesy charm to Schwarzenegger flicks. Well, Commando is the pinnacle of that. This is Arnold cheese at its finest, and I love it to death! So let me tell you why I consider this brain dead movie an action classic...

First of all: Remember when I said the movie is overflowing with clichés? Well, The plot itself is a cliché. Repeat after me: MAN'S DAUGHTER IS KIDNAPPED BY PEOPLE FROM HIS PAST, AND NOW HE USES SKILLS HE DEVELOPED IN HIS LIFE TO SAVE HER! Sheesh, how many times have we seen that one? Let's just say that story has been Taken many times... But yeah, Retired Colonel John Matrix (Schwarzenegger), who lives a quiet life with his daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano), ends up being thrust into action when Jenny is kidnapped by Arius (Dan Hedaya) and one of Matrix's former brother in arms, Bennett (Vernon Wells). What ensues is some of the coolest action and one liners ever! Here we go!

The action scenes in this movie are awesome! One of my favourites is the mall sequence. John Matrix rips a phone booth out of the wall and tosses it like a barrel, he kicks the crap out of everyone that comes near him, and then uses a balloon vine to swing across the mall onto an elevator... So in one scene, he managed to pull a Donkey Kong, a Bruce Lee, and a Tarzan... Nice!

The Val Verde sequence has to be one of the most over-the-top and awesome action sequences of all time. Matrix packs himself with knives, guns, grenades, and does his best Rambo impersonation by taking down what looks like an entire army singlehandedly. He shoots them, stabs them, chops them up with axes, and blows them to smithereens. The best part is that he comes out of it virtually unscathed... Why? Because he's Arnold, and he's awesome!

The ending is cool too. Matrix manipulates Bennett into a knife fight, and then they get into a contest to see who can make the stupidest face... Err... I mean fight each other to the death. Matrix eventually beats Bennett with a pipe and one liner, and flies off into the sunset with Tommy Chong Jr. and Generic Army Daughter. Arnold saves the day and lives happily ever after! Roll credits.

I also love the movie's writing... The one liners in Commando are down right classic:

- Generic White Dude: "I was afraid you guys would miss me..."
  Cook: "Don't worry, we won't..." *shoots him*

- Cook: "You know what I like best? The Price." And then drives out of the dealership.

- Matrix: "I'll be back, Bennett."

- Matrix: "You're a funny guy, Sully. I like you... That's why I'm going to kill you last."

- Matrix: *Breaks dude's neck* "Don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired."

- Cindy: "What did you do with Sully?"
  Matrix: "I let him go."

- Cook: "This Green Beret is going to kick your big ass!"
  Matrix: "I eat Green Berets for Breakfast, and right now I'm very hungry!"

- Cook: "Fuck you, asshole!" *pulls trigger and realizes he's out of bullets*
  Matrix: "Fuck you, asshole!"

- Matrix: "Let off some steam, Bennett."

- Kirby: "Leave anything for us?"
  Matrix: "Just bodies."

Seriously, this has to be one of the most quotable movies ever made! Steven de Souza definitely earned his paycheck here! But my favourite quote/moment of this whole movie has to be this...

God that's so fucking badass!

Now, as awesome as this movie can be, it's not without its massive problems... For starters, the acting in general is questionable to say the least. Arnold seems more robotic here than he did in any of the Terminator movies, Tommy Chong Jr is straight up phoning it in, and Vernon Wells (not the ball player) is overdoing every line he's given. He has to be one of the most over-acted villains ever... And that says a lot!

The performances aren't all bad though. Dan Hedaya does an ok job as main villain Arius. T-Bird does a pretty good job playing Sully in this movie, considering the material he's given anyway... And Alyssa Milano actually puts on a good performance for a child actor, she manages not to be irritating as hell, as most kids are in movies. That being said though, the acting in Commando isn't the worst I've seen, however, it could've been much better.

This movie has some really cheesy moments too: the father-daughter montage, Arnold chopping wood, and the gratuitous speedo scene to name a few, not to mention when Arnie suits up into soldier gear and makes this movie poster-worthy pose. These scenes don't really bug me that much tough... They actually match the cheesy tone of the film.

My biggest problem here is that Matrix is practically unkillable. He tumbles down a hill in a brakeless truck, crashes it, and somehow survives. He survives in a police truck after it gets hit with a rocket launcher and crashes… And then, as I’ve already mentioned, he takes on an entire army and comes out of it virtually untouched! Killing every soldier he sees in the process! My god, it’s as if he entered an invincibility code before the movie started…

In fact, that’s actually what I think this movie is: A shoot ‘em up video game with an active invincibility cheat! That actually makes perfect sense! The only thing missing is an RC-P90 and proximity mines…

All jokes aside… I love this movie, even though it’s so god damn stupid… I’ll say that this movie is a like a dumb friend: Yes, you know he’s an idiot, but at the end of the day, you just can’t help but love him!

Commando is an action-packed, over the top, one-liner filled macho cheesefest. It will go down as an 80’s action classic.

I give this movie a full 4 stars out of 5

Yes, I gave this movie a higher rating than 2001: A Space Odyssey. Why, you ask? Because Commando accomplishes what it set out to do. It’s a movie that knows what it is and has fun with it. Whereas 2001, in my opinion, tried to be this big epic space movie, but ended up being pretentious and boring… That’s my thoughts anyways.

As usual, feel free to use the comments to either agree with me or tell me you’re fucking my mom… Whatever floats your boat.

 

- Mad Mike of Metal