Welcome again to Mad Reviews... Because I clearly have nothing fucking better to do! I have to review some piece of shit now just because it's the fucking go-to movie for any critic out there who's trying to make a name for himself! Everyone loves seeing this film get ripped apart, everyone loves to watch hard working joes like me point out everything wrong with it, everyone shits on this movie! EVERYONE! I really don't know what else I can bring to the table that other critics haven't! Seriously, I don't really fucking know why the fuck I have to fucking talk about this fucking movie! EVERYBODY HAS FUCKING TALKED ABOUT IT! Every single critic in the world has pointed out every single problem with this flaming piece of reptilian shit! So in reality, reviewing this thing is fucking pointless because I'll just be repeating what everyone else has said!
But I guess I have to give the people what they want, right? I just have to talk about Batman & Robin, right? Because who cares about how I feel, right?! Yeah! Who cares that I have to fucking sit through this crap! Who cares that I have to submit myself to such awful fucking torture just to fucking keep you people happy, right???!!! Who cares that I have to watch Joel Schumacher bend my childhood over and fuck it right up the ass, right?! Right??!! RIGHT???!!! So here, just for you fucking people, I'm going to be reviewing Batman & Robin, just so I can fucking please all of you! Here you go, you selfish fucking twats!!!
I don't even know where to begin with this crap... Seriously, I don't. This "film" is so oversaturated with bullshit that I find myself surrounded by it, and I can't figure out which direction to go! Did any of that make sense to you? No? Well neither does this movie! Any of it! People actually got paid to make this, think about that!
Alright, so back in 1995, "director" Joel Schumacher took over the reigns of the Batman franchise from Tim Burton (Warner Bros was lobotomized at the time), and he released the third film in this series: Batman Forever. While it was a huge hit, there was a lot of hate for it. The reasons for the hate were because it was too family friendly, and unnecessarily revisiting the Adam West version. Personally, I didn't think it was that bad. It had tons of problems for sure, but I thought the movie did a fine job of combining the elements of the Burton films and the 1960's TV show. Unfortunately for everyone, Schumacher couldn't strike that chord again when he made Batman & Robin... Guhhhh!!!!
This movie begins with homoerotic shots of Bat-nipples, Bat-crotches, and Bat-butts. After our heroes suit up, we hear the first lines of "dialogue" in this thing... Something about Superman working while Alfred is ordering pizza or some shit... I'm not sure exactly what was said because I was busy trying to claw my own eyes out after seeing that close-up of Batman's ass... Anyways, Batman & Robin are driving out of the Bat-tunnel, when commissioner Gordon contacts Batman to inform him of a villain who calls himself "Mister Freeze." From here, we embark on an illogical, puntastic clusterfuck of an adventure... Oh what a disaster!
That first battle with Freeze... wow...It might as well be a fucking puppet show! Everyone and everything is strings! Henchman are getting unrealistically launched into the air, Freeze's gun looks like someone is using the force on it, Robin is pole-vaulting, and our heroes have... BAT HOCKEY SKATES??? You've gotta be fucking kidding me! They literally touch their feet together and skate blades come out of their fucking boots! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, fucking no, god dammit no... Just... fucking... NO!
This shit is followed by Freeze flying some giant rocket penis up in the sky, with Batman trapped inside and Robin trying to get in from the outside. Somehow, Robin doesn't Freeze to death while this rocketship blasts to over 30000 feet in the air. I'm really starting to think that the laws of physics were non-existent in real life on the set of this movie! Sigh...
Anyways, this whole sequence ends with Freeze freezing Robin. Batman eventually thaws him out and they return home, while Freeze gets away with the diamond. So far, this is what I've gathered from the so called "plot" of this movie: Freeze is stealing diamonds so he can use them to create a super freeze gun to freeze Gotham City and then demand a ransom from the city so he can get funding to research the disease that's killing his wife...
That... is... so... fucking... stupid!
If he needs money to research, why doesn't he just rob a bank? Or kidnap the mayor? Or invest in stock? Fuck, anything would make more fucking sense than the crap he's doing in this movie! But I guess he needed to freeze the city so the movie could show off all the cool winter-style Batman toys.
Oh, and Freeze is doing all of this in the most puntastic way possible! Check this video for clarification:
What the fuck is this shit?
What they did with Ivy was fucking abysmal, and Uma Thurman's performance didn't help much either! This is the same chick who was on the posters for Pulp Fiction, and the same chick who kicked ass in Kill Bill, and this is what she gives us for Ivy? My fucking god! At least Arnold's over-the-top cheesiness comes with the territory, but Thurman is a talented actress... For her to give us this garbage is just... wow... can I just watch her chop everyone up in that Tokyo nightclub again? I'm just going to forget she was in this movie.
As for Bane? Well, I can't comment on that because Bane didn't appear in this movie. Ivy had a roid-headed henchman, but that was about it. Bane was nowhere to be found...
Thank god the Joker wasn't in this movie...
Did I also mention Batgirl was in this movie? Yep, and her suit doesn't have nipples on it... Fuck off.
Anyways, I've been going on and on about how fucking dumb this movie is. Well, I haven't even scratched the surface yet! This movie has so many dumb puns, so many continuity errors, so many defiances of the laws of physics, so many stupid gadgets, and so many ridiculous gags. If you thought the fucking Bat-skates were bad, just wait until this movie gives you the Bat Credit Card!
Fuck you
Are you fucking shitting me? How is this... where can he... does this even... WHO THE FUCK CAME UP WITH THIS SHIT? What the hell did he write on his credit card application? "I'm Batman?" Wouldn't Bruce Wayne have to put his funds into that credit line? That would've given everything away right there, wouldn't it? For fuck sakes, where the fuck were everyone's brains on the set of this film? What the fuck was your thought process when you people were coming up with the fucking Bat Credit Card? Jesus tittyfucking Christ!
This just goes from bad to worse. This movie branches off into so many different directions, that you'd swear this film was just a collection of test scenes. The subplots are everywhere! From Robin falling in love with Ivy, to Batgirl racing motorcycles, to Alfred dying, to Bruce's relationship with some chick no one cares about. Do you give a shit about any of it? No! Instead you just cringe over fucking stupid this all is.
Alright, back to the "story". Eventually, Batman ends up catching Freeze, and Freeze is in a specially modified prison cell that keeps his body cold... They sure set that up quick, didn't they? Eventually, Ivy breaks him out and they plan to take over the world together. But have no fear, because Batman and Robin are going to take her down! This leads to one of the many stupid moments in this movie: When Robin kisses Ivy, but remains unscathed due to rubber lips... Really?
Okay, even if I was to buy into the fact that having thin-strip rubber lips can stop poison (which I don't), he literally takes off his rubber lips when he's less than an inch away from her! She could've literally grabbed him and kissed him right there, and boom, he's dead! But no, she instead kicks him into the water. He tries to get out, but the water plants are dragging him back in. Either that, or Schumacher rewound the footage of his head coming out of the fucking water! What the fuck?
GOD DAMN THIS FUCKING MOVIE! DAMN IT ALL TO HELL!
I'm just going to wrap this up: Heroes defeat Ivy, Freeze freezes the city, heroes defeat Freeze, heroes unthaw the city, Alfred nurses back to full health, heroes run toward the screen with the Bat Signal as the back drop, cut to credits. Thank god!
This movie is just... aww fuck it! I'm just going to show this following picture to get my point across:
Just think of all the children we could've fed
Enough said...
Batman & Robin is right up there with the Star Wars prequels as one of the most expensive toy commercials ever made. That's all it really is, just a big marketing campaign for toys. In fact, Warner Bros actually rushed the production of this film so it could come out in time for the new toy line. That really explains a lot. This is an awkward, rushed, campy, braindead piece of shit, and without a doubt one of the worst movies ever made. It destroyed not only Batman for nearly a decade, but superhero movies in general were avoided by Hollywood for over 5 years. What a legacy this movie hasI'm giving this piece of shit 11 points out of 100.
Why eleven points? Well, I know this seems crazy, but this movie is actually worth watching. There's some entertainment to be had in watching this film do everything wrong. I've never seen anything outside of The Room that failed so spectacularly! The writing was awful, the acting was horrendous, the sets were hideous, the effects were bullshit, the direction was putrid. It just completely falls apart on all fronts, and you have to see it to believe it. It's like a train wreck, you just can't look away.
Plus, we're in a golden age of comic book movies now, and I find that many of today's moviegoers are ungrateful for it. We see some pretty good flicks like The Dark Knight Rises, Avengers: Age of Ultron, Thor 2, Iron Man 2, Man of Steel, and The Amazing Spider-Man 2 get a lot of hate from people who don't know how good they have it. So if you're in the hate crowd for any of today's superhero films, then I encourage you to watch Batman & Robin and count your fucking blessings!
I'm done with this crap now, I hope you enjoyed reading this review. See you next time! Until then, the comments are down there!
- Mad Mike of Metal
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