Mad Lists: Top 5 Best & Worst Threequels

 

So after all the reviews this month, I bet some of you readers want to know what my favourite and least favourite third installments are, eh? Well, here my top 5 best and worst if the bunch... Why only 5 movies each? Well, because there are so many bad ones out there that I felt like 10 would be too many for the "best" list. As for the worst, well, I wanted to challenge myself by narrowing it down to only 5.

So here's how the lists are going to work. For the "best" list, I will factor in how good the movie is itself, and how it holds up to the previous installments. For the "worst" list, I will factor in how terrible it is on it's own, and how much of a letdown they were. Simple, right?

Let's not waste anymore time here... Let's start off with the top 5 best threequels!


5. Back to the Future Part III

Doc Brown as a badass cowboy? TAKE MY FUCKING MONEY!!!

After the overcomplicated mess that was BTTF 2. Robert Zemekis and co. Decided to give us a nice simple adventure for the third installment I this beloved franchise. The result? The greatest Sci-Fi/Western crossover ever! As you may know I love western movies so to see the characters I love from Back to the Future in 1885 Hill Valley was quite a treat. Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen was a badass ancestor to Biff, seeing Marty be all cowboy and shit was cool, and as I've said before, Doc Brown was awesome as a Western gunslinger! Now there was one glaring flaw in this movie that involves possible character incest (I'll let you find the flaw), but this movie is awesome! It ends one of the most iconic trilogies of all time on a high note.




4. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

Now when I mention this movie, I'm talking about the theatrical version, not the bastardized version where Vader yells "NO" when tossing the emperor overboard... ugghhh!

While this movie is not as good as The Empire Strikes Back, it's still a terrific film that completes the story arcs of some of the most iconic characters of all time! Some of my favourite moments of the whole saga are in this one, for example: The scene where Vader threatens to go after Leia, and Luke just snaps and starts whaling on Vader with his lightsaber. The speeder chase through the forest is stuff of legend, and the scene where Yoda "dies" brings on the man-tears. But my favourite part is when the Emperor is zapping Luke, and with the magic of only a camera, you see Vader conflicting with himself as he's watching. He eventually throws the old fart down a fuel shaft and saves Luke... Of course, Lucas had to ruin this scene! *sigh*

Still, this is one of the best, and it lands at number 4 on this list.




3. The Dark Knight Rises

Yes, you're reading this right. As I've stated in my review with Donny, I'm in the "love it" crowd for this one. I won't touch on this more since I've already talked about it. I'll just say that I loved Tom Hardy as Bane, I loved Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, and I'm in the small crowd that loves Bale as Batman. It was satisfying conclusion to one of the greatest trilogies ever.



2. Toy Story 3

You probably didn't expect this one to be so high, did you? Well, this Threequel has everything you could ask for. The stakes are higher, the characters stay true to form, the villain is the best of the series, and the story is funny, deep, intense, and tear-jerking all at the same time. This movie was firing on all cylinders and completely outdid the first two in my opinion, which was an amazing accomplishment in and of itself. It closed out the greatest animated trilogy of all time on one hell if high note, and it lands at number 2.



Aaaaaannnndddd... The top dog, the big cheese, the greatest threequel of all time is...




1. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

 

Well, if you read my review of this just a few days ago, you probably figured it would be number 1!

This movie... wow! I love everything about this film. It steps up its game from the previous two movies, and delivers something that's grand and fucking epic! Clint Eastwood, Eli Wallach, and Lee Van Cleef nail these legendary characters, Ennio Morricone puts on the soundtrack of a lifetime, and  Sergio Leone gives us his greatest work of art. This hands down the greatest threequel of all time and to put it anywhere lower than number 1 would be nuts. This is why movies are made, ladies and gentlemen, this. is. why. movies. are. made.

Here's the theme, just because...

And now... The ones you've been waiting for... Here's my top 5 worst!




5. The Matrix Revolutions

Now Matrix Reloaded wasn't perfect, but to its credit, it felt like it was a massive buildup to this final installment. Instead, we got some dumb machine fight between the sentinels and humans who were in these machine gun-suit thingies left over from the set of T3. Not to mention a lame CGI fest of a final duel between Neo and Agent Smith, complete with a nonsensical ending. This franchise had managed to get its proverbial head shoved completely up its own ass by the end of this movie.

I'm just glad I still have the first movie to love.


4. Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I saw this movie once....

ONCE!

It's kind of hard to talk about this one because I feel like its a copy & paste of Revenge of the Fallen... which was a copy & paste of the first Transformers. The only difference here is that there is a female lead that actually managed to make Megan Fox look like Meryl Streep in terms of acting. Shia Laboeuf is still dumb, the annoying parents are still annoying, John Turturro is still a vehicle for dumb Michael Bay humour, and the explosions are still pointless.

This is a very shitty and unmemorable third installment of a series that is so generic yet unbelievably popular... It's basically the Nickelback of movie franchises.

... Or the male equivalent of Twilight, in which instead of marketing to teenage girls, Transformers markets to teenage boys... Way to make Michael Bay a gazillionaire, you morons!



3. Jurassic Park 3

Raptors with Mohawks? Killing off the T-Rex? Tea Leoni? RIP Jurassic Park franchise.

The first installment if this series was the Star Wars of the '90s, hands down. The Lost World is one of the most disappointing sequels ever made, and then this one put the final nails in the coffin. First they break up Allen and Ellie, which was the biggest strong point of the original (outside of the dinosaurs), and they replace them with an annoying divorced couple that should've been killed off very early in this movie! And don't even get me started on the T-Rex getting killed off! What a joke... I don't care if the Spinosaurus was more powerful or some shit... IT'S THE FUCKING T-REX!

Fuck this, I can't talk about this movie anymore! Moving on...


2. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Oh for fuck sakes do I have to fucking talk about this piece of shit again? Ugh, fine!

Now you may want to punch me for considering this movie to be worse than the previous 3 films on this list. While I do understand that case, the letdown factor is what puts this campy piece of hackwork so high. Transformers is a shitty Michael Bay franchise to begin with, so it wasn't like you were expecting much by the time Dark of the Moon came out. Jurassic Park was already on life support after the 2nd movie, and same thing goes for The Matrix. Whereas the Terminator franchise had come off 2 of the greatest movies of all time, and to see everything I loved about the first 2 completely fall apart so quickly was way more agonizing than watching pieces of schlock that I knew were coming.

Anyways, I can't go on about this anymore because I've already pointed out every problem I have with this movie in my review of it. It's an insulting, putrefying piece of amphibian shit that should've never been made. If this movie was a man, I would punch him.




And now, the big one, the worst threequel ever made in my eyes... Not to mention the biggest letdown in the history of cinema is...





1. The Godfather Part III

What a mess!

Now I know that there's a crowd out there that will defend this movie to no end, but for me, this belongs at number 1. Why, you ask? Because first of all, I couldn't rank this any higher. Second of all... well... while T3 and Jurassic Park III were ruined by people who didn't know what they were doing, The Godfather Part III was made by the same guys who gave us the first 2 classics! How the hell can people who gave us something so groundbreaking, give us such a massive steaming pile of cow dung? Now I know it was a shameless cash grab, but I've seen cash grabs that had more logic in it than this! This was absolutely despicable, and it leaves fans of the first two with bitter tastes in their mouths.

God I hate this movie so much! Fuck it, I can't talk about this shit anymore. FUCK YOU, GODFATHER PART III, FUCK YOU!


There you have it, guys. I hope you enjoyed threequel month just as much as I have, and if you haven't read any of this month's reviews yet, check them out here:

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Toy Story 3

The Dark Knight Rises (with DonnyFTW)

The Godfather Part III

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly


Well, that's it for now folks... Until next time, troll my fat ass!

- Mad Mike of Metal