Mad Reviews: Commando

And here we are folks, Commando: the creme-de-la-creme of mindless action, the poster-child for over-the-top movies. It's overflowing with clichés and silly one-liners, yet has so many cool explosions and actions sequences, the acting is so lame yet the action is so awesome.  It's such a dumb movie yet you can't help but fall in love with it.

But why is such a stupid movie so beloved by Arnold fans and action fans alike? Well, because this is what we expect...

Outside of The Terminator movies, we've come to expect a very cheesy charm to Schwarzenegger flicks. Well, Commando is the pinnacle of that. This is Arnold cheese at its finest, and I love it to death! So let me tell you why I consider this brain dead movie an action classic...

First of all: Remember when I said the movie is overflowing with clichés? Well, The plot itself is a cliché. Repeat after me: MAN'S DAUGHTER IS KIDNAPPED BY PEOPLE FROM HIS PAST, AND NOW HE USES SKILLS HE DEVELOPED IN HIS LIFE TO SAVE HER! Sheesh, how many times have we seen that one? Let's just say that story has been Taken many times... But yeah, Retired Colonel John Matrix (Schwarzenegger), who lives a quiet life with his daughter Jenny (Alyssa Milano), ends up being thrust into action when Jenny is kidnapped by Arius (Dan Hedaya) and one of Matrix's former brother in arms, Bennett (Vernon Wells). What ensues is some of the coolest action and one liners ever! Here we go!

The action scenes in this movie are awesome! One of my favourites is the mall sequence. John Matrix rips a phone booth out of the wall and tosses it like a barrel, he kicks the crap out of everyone that comes near him, and then uses a balloon vine to swing across the mall onto an elevator... So in one scene, he managed to pull a Donkey Kong, a Bruce Lee, and a Tarzan... Nice!

The Val Verde sequence has to be one of the most over-the-top and awesome action sequences of all time. Matrix packs himself with knives, guns, grenades, and does his best Rambo impersonation by taking down what looks like an entire army singlehandedly. He shoots them, stabs them, chops them up with axes, and blows them to smithereens. The best part is that he comes out of it virtually unscathed... Why? Because he's Arnold, and he's awesome!

The ending is cool too. Matrix manipulates Bennett into a knife fight, and then they get into a contest to see who can make the stupidest face... Err... I mean fight each other to the death. Matrix eventually beats Bennett with a pipe and one liner, and flies off into the sunset with Tommy Chong Jr. and Generic Army Daughter. Arnold saves the day and lives happily ever after! Roll credits.

I also love the movie's writing... The one liners in Commando are down right classic:

- Generic White Dude: "I was afraid you guys would miss me..."
  Cook: "Don't worry, we won't..." *shoots him*

- Cook: "You know what I like best? The Price." And then drives out of the dealership.

- Matrix: "I'll be back, Bennett."

- Matrix: "You're a funny guy, Sully. I like you... That's why I'm going to kill you last."

- Matrix: *Breaks dude's neck* "Don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired."

- Cindy: "What did you do with Sully?"
  Matrix: "I let him go."

- Cook: "This Green Beret is going to kick your big ass!"
  Matrix: "I eat Green Berets for Breakfast, and right now I'm very hungry!"

- Cook: "Fuck you, asshole!" *pulls trigger and realizes he's out of bullets*
  Matrix: "Fuck you, asshole!"

- Matrix: "Let off some steam, Bennett."

- Kirby: "Leave anything for us?"
  Matrix: "Just bodies."

Seriously, this has to be one of the most quotable movies ever made! Steven de Souza definitely earned his paycheck here! But my favourite quote/moment of this whole movie has to be this...

God that's so fucking badass!

Now, as awesome as this movie can be, it's not without its massive problems... For starters, the acting in general is questionable to say the least. Arnold seems more robotic here than he did in any of the Terminator movies, Tommy Chong Jr is straight up phoning it in, and Vernon Wells (not the ball player) is overdoing every line he's given. He has to be one of the most over-acted villains ever... And that says a lot!

The performances aren't all bad though. Dan Hedaya does an ok job as main villain Arius. T-Bird does a pretty good job playing Sully in this movie, considering the material he's given anyway... And Alyssa Milano actually puts on a good performance for a child actor, she manages not to be irritating as hell, as most kids are in movies. That being said though, the acting in Commando isn't the worst I've seen, however, it could've been much better.

This movie has some really cheesy moments too: the father-daughter montage, Arnold chopping wood, and the gratuitous speedo scene to name a few, not to mention when Arnie suits up into soldier gear and makes this movie poster-worthy pose. These scenes don't really bug me that much tough... They actually match the cheesy tone of the film.

My biggest problem here is that Matrix is practically unkillable. He tumbles down a hill in a brakeless truck, crashes it, and somehow survives. He survives in a police truck after it gets hit with a rocket launcher and crashes… And then, as I’ve already mentioned, he takes on an entire army and comes out of it virtually untouched! Killing every soldier he sees in the process! My god, it’s as if he entered an invincibility code before the movie started…

In fact, that’s actually what I think this movie is: A shoot ‘em up video game with an active invincibility cheat! That actually makes perfect sense! The only thing missing is an RC-P90 and proximity mines…

All jokes aside… I love this movie, even though it’s so god damn stupid… I’ll say that this movie is a like a dumb friend: Yes, you know he’s an idiot, but at the end of the day, you just can’t help but love him!

Commando is an action-packed, over the top, one-liner filled macho cheesefest. It will go down as an 80’s action classic.

I give this movie a full 4 stars out of 5

Yes, I gave this movie a higher rating than 2001: A Space Odyssey. Why, you ask? Because Commando accomplishes what it set out to do. It’s a movie that knows what it is and has fun with it. Whereas 2001, in my opinion, tried to be this big epic space movie, but ended up being pretentious and boring… That’s my thoughts anyways.

As usual, feel free to use the comments to either agree with me or tell me you’re fucking my mom… Whatever floats your boat.

 

- Mad Mike of Metal