Mad Lists: Top 10 Simpsons Treehouse of Horror Segments

Happy Halloween everybody! Welcome to my Halloween edition of Mad Lists! For this list, I will be counting down my 10 favourite segments of The Simpsons Treehouse of Horror episodes!

Back when I was a child, my favourite holiday was Halloween, and who could blame me? Cool costumes, free candy, giving Jehovas a taste of their own medicine? Awesome! But my absolute favourite thing about Halloween was turning on the tv and watching whatever Simpsons Halloween special was on. Some of my most cherished childhood memories was sitting with the family or friends and watching these laugh-a-minute ghoul fests.

Yes, I know the Simpsons aren't what they used to be, and they're Halloween Specials are no exception to that fact, but I like to look back on this show with positivity, instead of thinking about that Kesha intro. So, sit back and watch me countdown my top 10 favourite Treehouse of Horror segments! There are plenty of hilarious, scary, and ghouly ones to choose from, so... Let's do this!

10. Clown Without Pity

 

Homer: "The doll is trying to kill me and the toaster has been laughing at me!"

This countdown begins with a gem from Treehouse of Horror III. In a parody of the Child's Play saga, Homer buys Bart a Krusty doll from a shady, frogurt loving antique shop owner. Turns out that the doll is cursed and wants to kill Homer... But he came with a free frogurt! From then, hilarity ensues... The doll attacks Homer in a bathtub, tries to stab him multiple times, and even makes Homer run around naked causing Aunt Patty to go lesbian! Eventually, a technician arrives and finds that the doll was set to "evil" and we get a happy ending! This is a terrifically funny segment, and for me, one of my top 10 favourites!

9. King Homer

Bart: "Why don't you tell a story, Grampa. You've led an interesting life..."

Grampa: "That's a lie and you know it! But I have seen a lot of movies..."

In this parody of King Kong (no shit), we see Mr Burns taking a full boat crew to a mysterious island. This crew features seamen, Smithers, and Marge as the bait... Uhh... Bait...thing beauty... The bathing beauty! There we go! They get to the island only to find that the natives there are worshipping this "Homer" fellow. Turns out that Homer is a giant prehistoric ape. The natives eventually capture Marge and try to sacrifice her to Homer... But Homer just finds her hair funny and starts twirling it. This segment is fucking awesome! Making Homer the giant ape was genius, and intertwining his character traits with that of a 50 foot ape was beyond hilarity... Especially when he runs out of breath after climbing two stories of the Empire State Building!

 

8. Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace

Homer: "Lousy Smarch weather!"

So Groundskeeper Willie is a psychotic maniac who kills children in their dreams... And this was surprising to who now? Not gonna lie, this one actually scared me a little bit as a child. Laugh if you want, but there's something about Martin's death in this one still freaks me out. However, even with the eeriness of this episode, it still has some hilarious moments. Mostly when Willie becomes a giant bagpipe and Maggie plugs him with her soother. This parody of Nightmare on Elm Street is awesome and more than worthy of putting on this list!

 

7. Dial Z For Zombies

Bart: "Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!"

Homer: "He was a zombie?"

Yep, this segment houses one of the greatest quotes in the history of the show, and having our favourite American family fight off hordes of zombies didn't hurt, either. After finding a book of spells in a mysterious section of the school library, Bart and Lisa decide to go to the pet cemetery to attempt to bring Snowball I back to life. Unfortunately, Bart casts the wrong spell and wakes up every rotting body in the Springfield cemetery... Which apparently is the resting place of George Washington, Albert Einstein, and William Shakespeare! This is definitely one of the funniest TOH's ever made! There are tons of hilarious and quotable lines in this one, such as this very memorable exchange between Homer, Bart and Lisa:

This is a classic TOH segment, and I feel very bad putting it at number 7! But hey, shit happens, right?

 

6. House of Whacks

Matthew Perry: "Hi, I'm Chandler... Could I BE any more of a house?"

In this underrated gem, we see James Bond (the bad one) take control of the Simpsons household... in the form of Hal. This machine does everything: he cooks, he cleans, he prepares the perfect bath for Marge, and other neat stuff. Wait... uhh... Well, except for going AWOL and trying to kill Homer by shoving him head-first into a "table cleaner." The Brosnan bot starts to unravel after seeing Marge naked and having Homer tell him "If I died, Marge would be completely available, for man or machine..." From there, the Brosnan bot begins a plot to kill Homer and have Marge to himself. Through some laughs, the Simpson family manages to get out of this mess pretty unscathed, well... other than Homer having his brains sticking out of the back of his head. Enough of me talking about this one, just fucking watch it because it's awesome!

5. The Raven

Quoth the Raven: "EAT MY SHORTS"

This slice of awesomeness comes from the very first Treehouse of Horror, all the way back in season 2! It's not the funniest segment, it's not even the scariest (as Bart points out in this episode), so why is it on this list, you ask? Because it's fucking awesome, that's why! The way these characters were intertwined with this classic tale from Edgar Allen Poe was absolutely genius, and having Darth fucking Vader himself narrate it was brilliant. Even though most of the segment's script was borrowed from the original poem itself, it spawned one of the greatest moments in Simpsons history: When Homer wants the raven to take the beak from out of his heart, the raven (in the caricature of Bart) replies with "Nevermore." This classic told the story in it's own way, yet still paid homage to the classic horror poem!

 

4. Bart Simpson's Dracula

 Lisa: "Um, dad... That's his crotch."

Not going to lie, I feel like putting this at number 4 is too low, but that just goes to show how awesome these TOH's are! In a parody of every vampire movie ever made, the Simpsons make their way to Mr. Burns mansion, located in....

PENNSYLVANIA! dun-dun-dunnnn....

Anyways, so as our heroes make their way through the mansion, Bart and Lisa start to notice some strange things, such as Burns's shadow playing with a yo-yo, blood disguised as wine, and a secret vampire room that forbids garlic! Eventually, Bart gets bitten by Burns and transforms into a vampire himself, leading to Homer pulling off one of the funniest kills in the history of TOH! Unfortunately, Homer killed the wrong guy and the true head vampire is revealed at the end, which is also a hilarious ending! Moving on...



 

3. Time and Punishment

 
Homer: "Marge, would you kindly pass me a donut?"
Marge: "Donut? What's a donut?"
Homer: "AAAAHHHHH!!!! AHHHHHHHH!!!!! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"
 
Just thinking about this one makes me laugh! When Homer destroys his toaster after getting his hand caught in it (twice!), he fixes it, only to have in turn into a time machine that allows him to chill with Peabody & Sherman! This toaster sends him back to the time when dinosaurs walked the earth. After killing a bug, he returns to present day Springfield to find that Flanders is the ruler of the world! After getting out of that jam, he repeats the cycle only to return to a world where donuts don't exist! That instance of raining donuts might be one of funniest moments in all of television, not to mention when the Simpsons household goes from underwater, to Bart as the Sphinx, to becoming the Flintstones house!

Pound for pound, this is one of the funniest segments in all of TOH, and it earns the bronze medal on this Top 10!

 

2. The Shinning 

Smithers: "Sir, did you ever stop to think that maybe it was doing this that caused the previous caretakers to go insane and murder their families?"

Mr. Burns: "Mmm, perhaps. Tell you what, we come back and everyone's slaughtered, I owe you a Coke."
 
This, to me, is the greatest parody of a horror movie ever made, in any medium, ever! I know that's not saying much, but still. This spoof of Stanley Kubrick's classic thriller is filled to the rim with laughs! From the possible lawsuit that Groundskeeper Willie gets Bart out of, to Moe going all la-dee-da when he talks about how happy he is, to Homer having no tv and no beer and making him go something something, to Homer literally scaring himself in the mirror and falling down the stairs! Just so you know, I'm laughing my fucking ass off as I'm writing this because those moments are so fucking brilliant! I can't really describe The Shinning's awesomeness anymore than I already have, so I'll stop here. It's just... Just watch it! And if you've seen it already, then see it again, because it's fucking awesome!


AND NOW... THE NUMBER ONE TREEHOUSE OF HORROR SEGMENT OF ALL TIME IS.......................

 

1. The Devil and Homer Simpson

Lionel Hutz: "That was a right-pretty speech, sir. But I ask you, what is a contract? Webster's defines it as an agreement under the law which is unbreakable. Which is unbreakable!
...
...
...
... Excuse me, I must use the restroom."


Yes, this is my number 1 choice on this list. Do you disagree with me? Well, let me explain why to you, with help from a few of my friends, they are:

Benedict Arnold
Lizzy Borden
Richard Nixon (I did a favour for him)
John Wilkes Booth
Blackbeard the Pirate
John Dillinger...

... And the starting line of the nineteen seventy-six Philadelphia Flyers!

Okay, all reference aside, if you want to know the core reason of why I love this one more than any other, it's this: Ned Flanders as the Devil was pure fucking genius! It actually makes perfect sense when you think about it. The Devil is a wolf in sheep's clothing, he comes off as your best friend, and he does everything he can to convince you that he doesn't exist. That's Ned in a nutshell! Maybe he's always so religious as a way to cover himself up, did you ever think of that? Okay, I know I'm sounding nuts now, but seriously, Flanders as Satan himself... Brilliance, pure brilliance!

Every line is funny as hell, the premise of Homer's soul depending on a donut is hilarious, and the ill-gotten donut being forever a part of Homer's head will go down as a classic moment in Simpsons lore! To me, this was more than deserving of being number 1! Classic!


Well, there you have it. Do you agree with this top 10? Or am I an idiot? Let me know in the comments.... And before I go, I must say:

HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYBODY!

- Mad Mike of Metal
 

Mad Reviews: Gone Girl

A movie where I can watch Ben Affleck get fucked over repeatedly? I'm sold!

Well, I know I sound like a broken record, but 2014 has been a legendary year for movies in my eyes. Just when I thought this year couldn't get any better, here comes David Fincher with another one of his opuses! I've got to say, this movie surpassed my expectations (which were low because of Ben Affleck) and is right up there with Dawn of the Planet of the Apes as one of the best films I've seen this year! Yeah, it's that good! Fincher has done it again!

We open with a shot of Amy Dunne (played by Rosamund Pike) laying on Ben Affleck's chest, we then hear a narration of Ben Affleck doing his best Patrick Bateman impersonation as he's trying to figure out what his wife is thinking. We immediately get a sense that his marriage is falling apart, and that things can't get any worse for him. We then cut to a scene at the bar where Nick Dunne (Affleck's character) decides to have a drink and play some Life with his twin sister Margo. We learn through exposition that this day is Nick and Amy's 5th wedding anniversary, and Nick couldn't look or act more miserably.

Nick and Margo are just shooting the shit at the bar, when suddenly a neighbour calls Nick at the bar (that is owned by Amy) and tells him that his cat is outside. Nick immediately rushes over to take care of the situation, and realized that the front door was left open. He calls for Amy whom he thinks is home, but to no answer. He looks around the house, and sees his glass table shattered on the floor, and signs of a struggle all over the home. He then realizes his wife is missing, and looks like he couldn't give two shits about it. He's the suspect, isn't he? He's gotta be!

That's what the media is going to make everyone in this movie think... Nick is the culprit, guilty of killing his wife before it's even confirmed that she's dead. I guess this is a segue into what I love about this movie, right? Well, first off, I love the social commentary that's ripe throughout this film! Fincher has always had a knack for turning a mirror on society and showing them how pathetic they look, and this movie is no exception. Throughout Gone Girl, we see members of the media rip Nick apart and draw their own conclusions before any facts are in. They pick apart a picture of him smiling (because he can't just be trying to put on a positive face), they condemn him for taking a selfie with a search volunteer (yeah, he can't be thankful, right?), and they even imply that there's some incest going on between him and Margo! All this while turning this missing woman's case into a national news story, and making Nick the most hated man in America. Don't you just love mass media? Fuck!

This kind of commentary is very relatable to what's going on in the real world with this Ebola shit. Now I mean no disrespect to anyone who has been affected by that disease, but fuck man! The media is just blowing it up! Just like they blow everything else out of proportion, so they can keep you scared, keep you in line, and keep their advertisers happy. Fuck them! Wars have killed more people than ebola has! But they won't mention that, right? Of course not, it doesn't suit their interests! Ugh...

So I'm going to move on before I get carried away with my hatred for the media. So... what else did I love about this movie? Well, the story is great! The plot has so many twists and turns (another staple of Fincher movies), and while they are necessary to drive the story, many of these twists will shock the living hell out of you and change your whole perception of where the film is going. When my girlfriend and I saw this movie, there were quite a few times where we looked at each other and said...

 

Yeah, it was like that, and that's another high point of this movie! It brilliantly keeps you guessing and keeps you engaged throughout, which is saying something given that this film is 2 hours and 30 minutes long. The movie also tells its story in a non-linear fashion (a-la Pulp Fiction or Batman Begins), as we get flashbacks of the relationship between Nick and Amy from time to time. This gives the audience a chance to become invested in these characters, and to try to pinpoint the exact moment where the relationship began to fall apart. These flashbacks are so seamlessly intertwined with the main plot that you won't even notice the time jumps, and that is the result of the brilliant direction this movie has!

 

I'm so good with my segues, aren't I? Anyways, this goes without saying, but David Fincher has once again delivered us a twisted mindfuck of a film! The premise of someone's wife being kidnapped has been done a million times by a million other directors, but Fincher tells this story in such a bold unique way that it feels new! Every scene takes us to the next, every flashback is important, every cut is where it needs to be, every twist and turn is in the exact right place, the pacing is pitch perfect... fuck, everything Fincher did with this movie was masterful! Watching him make this must've been like watching him conduct a symphony, it was that great! Oscar worthy, perhaps? Well, we'll wait and see for that... But seriously, anyone who can make squeeze a great performance out of Ben Affleck deserves some kind of award, right?

 

Onto the acting... and holy shit! The acting in this movie is fan-fucking-tastic! Incase you haven't noticed, I'm not the biggest fan of Ben Affleck (I know, shocking, right? Hope you were sitting when you read that), and I was one of the many people who completely snapped when he was announced as the next Batman. But his performance in this movie has officially won me over! He plays the complex role of Nick Dunne beautifully, and you can tell that playing a man who has been ripped apart by the media and the public was pretty easy for him (maybe that was why he was chosen for the role). Will his great performance stop me from making fun of him? Nope... Sorry, but that's just too much fun!

 

Affleck's acting counterpart Rosamund Pike stole the show in this movie. The character of Amy Dunne is just... fucking nuts! As you get to know her character, you feel less and less sympathy for her, to the point where you just wish she would fucking get offed by someone, anyone! Pike's Oscar worthy performance here brilliantly portrays Amy's slow descent into madness, and just shows what lengths that a sociopathic witch can go to if you piss her off! Seriously, Amy was dead set on being a conniving, backstabbing bitch throughout this whole movie. It was almost gut-wrenching to watch what she would do to people!

 

Bitches be cray cray!

 

 

As for the supporting cast, well... Neil Patrick Harris was downright creepy in this movie. I won't give away too much, but he was a crazy obsessive stalker type of person, and it was eerie for me to watch. Mostly because you don't expect the guy who played Barney Stinson to pull off a role like that, but he knocked it out of the park! Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry also did a great job as Nick's lawyer Tanner, a role that seemed custom-made for him. And Carrie Coon was wonderful as Margo, the voice of reason to Nick's roller coaster of a life. So yeah, the acting and characters were all fantastic and well developed. We might see Rosamund Pike holding a golden statue come February! She was that good!

 

Now the ending of this movie was very disappointing to some people, as it didn't really end on a high note. Now I'm not going to spoil it because I don't want whiny babies bitching at me for ruining the movie, god fucking forbid! Seriously, if you don't want spoilers, then don't go on the internet, simple as that! Fuck! Okay where was I? Oh yeah... So the movie actually ended on a very sour note, and it will leave you feeling very empty. But, then again, that's another staple of Fincher films, as he's not the kind of director who'll uplift his audience (Watch Se7en or The Social Network for proof of that). Fincher's movies are grounded in reality, and reality is a cruel, cruel place. Now I haven't read the book, but from what I've heard, the book ends pretty much the same way. So, I guess Fincher was the perfect man to adapt the novel from page to screen!

 

To conclude, this is one of the best movies I've seen this year, and in my opinion, it's David Fincher's best movie since Fight Club, and that's saying a lot! The story is awesome, the acting is awesome, the characters are brilliant, the social commentary is great, and the ending, while cruel, is the perfect conclusion to this movie! I don't really have any complaints about this movie I can think about. This movie is Oscar bait for sure, and I would love see Fincher get one, he is WAY too overdue!

 

This movie gets 5 treasure hunts out of 5 from me! Man 2014 is so awesome!

 

As usual, troll me in the comments below... Or don't... Not like I give a shit.

 

- Mad Mike of Metal

Mad Lists: Top 5 Best & Worst Threequels

 

So after all the reviews this month, I bet some of you readers want to know what my favourite and least favourite third installments are, eh? Well, here my top 5 best and worst if the bunch... Why only 5 movies each? Well, because there are so many bad ones out there that I felt like 10 would be too many for the "best" list. As for the worst, well, I wanted to challenge myself by narrowing it down to only 5.

So here's how the lists are going to work. For the "best" list, I will factor in how good the movie is itself, and how it holds up to the previous installments. For the "worst" list, I will factor in how terrible it is on it's own, and how much of a letdown they were. Simple, right?

Let's not waste anymore time here... Let's start off with the top 5 best threequels!


5. Back to the Future Part III

Doc Brown as a badass cowboy? TAKE MY FUCKING MONEY!!!

After the overcomplicated mess that was BTTF 2. Robert Zemekis and co. Decided to give us a nice simple adventure for the third installment I this beloved franchise. The result? The greatest Sci-Fi/Western crossover ever! As you may know I love western movies so to see the characters I love from Back to the Future in 1885 Hill Valley was quite a treat. Buford "Mad Dog" Tannen was a badass ancestor to Biff, seeing Marty be all cowboy and shit was cool, and as I've said before, Doc Brown was awesome as a Western gunslinger! Now there was one glaring flaw in this movie that involves possible character incest (I'll let you find the flaw), but this movie is awesome! It ends one of the most iconic trilogies of all time on a high note.




4. Star Wars: Return of the Jedi

Now when I mention this movie, I'm talking about the theatrical version, not the bastardized version where Vader yells "NO" when tossing the emperor overboard... ugghhh!

While this movie is not as good as The Empire Strikes Back, it's still a terrific film that completes the story arcs of some of the most iconic characters of all time! Some of my favourite moments of the whole saga are in this one, for example: The scene where Vader threatens to go after Leia, and Luke just snaps and starts whaling on Vader with his lightsaber. The speeder chase through the forest is stuff of legend, and the scene where Yoda "dies" brings on the man-tears. But my favourite part is when the Emperor is zapping Luke, and with the magic of only a camera, you see Vader conflicting with himself as he's watching. He eventually throws the old fart down a fuel shaft and saves Luke... Of course, Lucas had to ruin this scene! *sigh*

Still, this is one of the best, and it lands at number 4 on this list.




3. The Dark Knight Rises

Yes, you're reading this right. As I've stated in my review with Donny, I'm in the "love it" crowd for this one. I won't touch on this more since I've already talked about it. I'll just say that I loved Tom Hardy as Bane, I loved Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, and I'm in the small crowd that loves Bale as Batman. It was satisfying conclusion to one of the greatest trilogies ever.



2. Toy Story 3

You probably didn't expect this one to be so high, did you? Well, this Threequel has everything you could ask for. The stakes are higher, the characters stay true to form, the villain is the best of the series, and the story is funny, deep, intense, and tear-jerking all at the same time. This movie was firing on all cylinders and completely outdid the first two in my opinion, which was an amazing accomplishment in and of itself. It closed out the greatest animated trilogy of all time on one hell if high note, and it lands at number 2.



Aaaaaannnndddd... The top dog, the big cheese, the greatest threequel of all time is...




1. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly

 

Well, if you read my review of this just a few days ago, you probably figured it would be number 1!

This movie... wow! I love everything about this film. It steps up its game from the previous two movies, and delivers something that's grand and fucking epic! Clint Eastwood, Eli Wallach, and Lee Van Cleef nail these legendary characters, Ennio Morricone puts on the soundtrack of a lifetime, and  Sergio Leone gives us his greatest work of art. This hands down the greatest threequel of all time and to put it anywhere lower than number 1 would be nuts. This is why movies are made, ladies and gentlemen, this. is. why. movies. are. made.

Here's the theme, just because...

And now... The ones you've been waiting for... Here's my top 5 worst!




5. The Matrix Revolutions

Now Matrix Reloaded wasn't perfect, but to its credit, it felt like it was a massive buildup to this final installment. Instead, we got some dumb machine fight between the sentinels and humans who were in these machine gun-suit thingies left over from the set of T3. Not to mention a lame CGI fest of a final duel between Neo and Agent Smith, complete with a nonsensical ending. This franchise had managed to get its proverbial head shoved completely up its own ass by the end of this movie.

I'm just glad I still have the first movie to love.


4. Transformers: Dark of the Moon

I saw this movie once....

ONCE!

It's kind of hard to talk about this one because I feel like its a copy & paste of Revenge of the Fallen... which was a copy & paste of the first Transformers. The only difference here is that there is a female lead that actually managed to make Megan Fox look like Meryl Streep in terms of acting. Shia Laboeuf is still dumb, the annoying parents are still annoying, John Turturro is still a vehicle for dumb Michael Bay humour, and the explosions are still pointless.

This is a very shitty and unmemorable third installment of a series that is so generic yet unbelievably popular... It's basically the Nickelback of movie franchises.

... Or the male equivalent of Twilight, in which instead of marketing to teenage girls, Transformers markets to teenage boys... Way to make Michael Bay a gazillionaire, you morons!



3. Jurassic Park 3

Raptors with Mohawks? Killing off the T-Rex? Tea Leoni? RIP Jurassic Park franchise.

The first installment if this series was the Star Wars of the '90s, hands down. The Lost World is one of the most disappointing sequels ever made, and then this one put the final nails in the coffin. First they break up Allen and Ellie, which was the biggest strong point of the original (outside of the dinosaurs), and they replace them with an annoying divorced couple that should've been killed off very early in this movie! And don't even get me started on the T-Rex getting killed off! What a joke... I don't care if the Spinosaurus was more powerful or some shit... IT'S THE FUCKING T-REX!

Fuck this, I can't talk about this movie anymore! Moving on...


2. Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Oh for fuck sakes do I have to fucking talk about this piece of shit again? Ugh, fine!

Now you may want to punch me for considering this movie to be worse than the previous 3 films on this list. While I do understand that case, the letdown factor is what puts this campy piece of hackwork so high. Transformers is a shitty Michael Bay franchise to begin with, so it wasn't like you were expecting much by the time Dark of the Moon came out. Jurassic Park was already on life support after the 2nd movie, and same thing goes for The Matrix. Whereas the Terminator franchise had come off 2 of the greatest movies of all time, and to see everything I loved about the first 2 completely fall apart so quickly was way more agonizing than watching pieces of schlock that I knew were coming.

Anyways, I can't go on about this anymore because I've already pointed out every problem I have with this movie in my review of it. It's an insulting, putrefying piece of amphibian shit that should've never been made. If this movie was a man, I would punch him.




And now, the big one, the worst threequel ever made in my eyes... Not to mention the biggest letdown in the history of cinema is...





1. The Godfather Part III

What a mess!

Now I know that there's a crowd out there that will defend this movie to no end, but for me, this belongs at number 1. Why, you ask? Because first of all, I couldn't rank this any higher. Second of all... well... while T3 and Jurassic Park III were ruined by people who didn't know what they were doing, The Godfather Part III was made by the same guys who gave us the first 2 classics! How the hell can people who gave us something so groundbreaking, give us such a massive steaming pile of cow dung? Now I know it was a shameless cash grab, but I've seen cash grabs that had more logic in it than this! This was absolutely despicable, and it leaves fans of the first two with bitter tastes in their mouths.

God I hate this movie so much! Fuck it, I can't talk about this shit anymore. FUCK YOU, GODFATHER PART III, FUCK YOU!


There you have it, guys. I hope you enjoyed threequel month just as much as I have, and if you haven't read any of this month's reviews yet, check them out here:

Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Toy Story 3

The Dark Knight Rises (with DonnyFTW)

The Godfather Part III

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly


Well, that's it for now folks... Until next time, troll my fat ass!

- Mad Mike of Metal

Mad Reviews: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Welcome to the final review of Threequel month! I just finished reviewing The Godfather Part III, and after going through that hell, I felt like I needed to end this month a good note! With that, I've decided to review what is considered by many to be one of the greatest films ever made: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

Alright folks, this movie is why movies are made. It's the benchmark of great threequels, the yang to Godfather Part III's yin, Sergio Leone's masterpiece, and the greatest western of all time. It's dark, nasty, gritty, atmospheric, unapologetic, and just downright badass. Be prepared for me to jerk this movie off, because I love everything about this classic!

I'll cut to the chase here, the character introductions are brilliant. The movie opens with a close-up of that extra who's always in Leone's films, as he and his posse are in a ghost town, and walking towards an empty saloon. They barge in, you hear three gunshots, and then you see Eli Wallach as "The Ugly," smash his way out of a window. We then cut to the three dudes, with two of them dead and the other one trying to squeeze off one shot. Oh Tuco, you slippery devil!

 He may be ugly but this freeze-frame is fucking cool!

We then cut to a small farming land where a little boy is walking his donkey around the mill. We see a dark horse rider coming from the distance, and we then cut to Angel Eyes "the bad" as we hear the badass bassoon. He walks into the farmhouse looking for the man of the household, and begins talking to him, asking him of the whereabouts of a guy named Jackson, because, to quote Angel Eyes "When I start off to find somebody, I find them! That's why they pay me!" He finds out that Jackson now goes under the name of Bill Carson, and after the man pays him over $1000, Angel Eyes guns him down, along with the man's son. His wife walks in to see, and passes out. Angel Eyes proceeds to walk out of the place like a boss. He then goes to collect the $500 he was originally paid by his employer named Baker, followed by putting a pillow over Baker's face and shooting him to death. Wow, Angel Eyes doesn't fuck around!

I shoot people in the face for fun!

 

We then cut back to Tuco getting knocked off his horse by bounty hunters. One of them comments on how Tuco has a face that's worth $2000... and then, we get the most badass intro of them all! We hear "Yeah, but you don't look like the ones who'll collect it." This is followed by a duel where The Man with No Name (who goes by Blondie in this movie) guns down all three bounty hunters in the blink of an eye. He then brings Tuco in himself, only to save him from execution, just so he can raise Tuco's bounty and have more money to himself. That's a fucking genius plan!

 

However, after Blondie decides Tuco won't be worth more than $3000, he parts ways with The Ugly. Tuco then opens up a can of insults on Blondie, to which Blondie replies... "Such ingratitude, after all the times I've saved your life." I know, right?

 

The way back to town is only 70 miles, dude.

 

 

Like in many of Leone's other movies, the character introductions are fucking cool, and they match the atmosphere of the film. All three of them were built-up beautifully, and the payoffs were filled to the brim with badassery!

 

As for the characters themselves, well, it goes without saying. Tuco Ramirez, Angel Eyes, and The Man With No Name have become iconic and legendary in the annals of film. Blondie is the calm, unassuming gunslinger who has one of the fastest draws going; Angel Eyes is the confident, determined bounty hunter who always finds his man; and Tuco Ramirez is the nasty, oafish jackass who would step over his own mother to get what he wants. These characters are god-like now, often imitated but never duplicated, and they will live on in movie history until the end of time!

 

One of the greatest tricks this movie pulls is this: While Blondie is labeled as "The Good" Angel Eyes is "The Bad" and Tuco is "The Ugly", all three of these guys have each trait within them!

 

I mean, Blondie constantly helps a wanted criminal cheat death for his own personal gain, not to mention leaves him hanging by a thread at the end... that's not really "Good" of him, is it? Tuco may be The Ugly, but there is a lot of bad in him, and you'll know that just by watching the movie. But he does have a very emotional scene where he meets his brother only to find out that his mother died, and for a split second, you can see good in him... He also helps Blondie get nursed back to full health after drying out in a desert, even though it's only so he can find out the name of the grave that holds $200 000... but still, he saved him, right? That's good of him, isn't it? Angel Eyes shows some traits of good in him as well when he decides to partner up with Blondie to find the grave... I mean, he could've just killed him and looked through every grave in the cemetery, but that would've taken forever, but still, it shows that he has a conscience and knows when not to kill someone. His ugly side tends to go hand-in-hand with his bad side, especially when he beats the living shit out of Tuco to find the name of the cemetery.

 

So yeah, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly are all good, bad, and ugly. Get it?

 



These characters are well rounded, fleshed out very well, and extremely well written. The amount of awesome quotes that come out of these guys is too much to keep up with! Classic one liners, like...

"When you gotta shoot, shoot! Don't talk!" -Tuco, after Tuco guns down a dude who wouldn't stop talking about shooting him.

"Every gun makes its own tune." - Blondie

"If you work for a living, why do you kill yourself working?" - Tuco

"We cut down my percentage... liable interfere with my aim." - Blondie

"Idiots... It's for you..." - Blondie to Tuco

"People with ropes around their necks don't always hang." - Angel Eyes

and...

"You're the son of a thousand fathers all bastards like you!" Tuco to Blondie

Now, there's one more one-liner in this movie that is best and most badass quote of the whole fucking movie, but I'll get to that one later...

The casting is great, as Lee Van Cleef, Eli Wallach, and God himself Clint Eastwood were all born to play their respective roles. Wallach, who was a comedic actor at the time, plays the role of the Ogre-ish Tuco beautifully, and it's nice to see him play a good role after seeing him in that cinematic abomination that I've mentioned one too many times in this review. Van Cleef had already played a great role in the previous installment, and it was awesome to see him play a different character in this one, as he effortlessly brings the Angel Eyes character to life. Of course, there's not really much I can say about Clint Eastwood's performance that hasn't already been said. There's great debate on which role is Eastwood's finest, Harry Callahan or The Man with No Name? I'm inclined to go with the ladder, as he brings a quiet confidence to the character that can only be done by him.

I know a lot of people might be turned off by all of the dubbed dialogue, but not me. I actually find that the dubbing adds a dirty, detached quality to the film. This quality very much matches the gritty, nasty tone of the movie... So I guess that's a segue into the tone of the movie, right? Well, if you know about the previous two Spaghetti Westerns in this trilogy, you'll know that this movie is just as brutal, badass, and just as littered with atmosphere. There's just something about this film's tone that keeps you engaged, even when you don't know what is going on. It sucks you into it's world and shows you all aspects of it, good bad or ugly... Haha, get it? Yeah I know it wasn't funny, shut up!

As for the music in this movie... Oh... my... god... The Music! Ennio Morricone just completely nails every scene with his score. The main theme has gone down as one of the most iconic in movie history, and stuff like "The Trio" and "The Ecstasy of Gold" are symphonic masterpieces... the ladder is what I consider to be the best piece of music ever made for a movie... ever! The legendary composer's reputation grew exponentially in this one, that's for sure!

By the way, on that note...

Ennio Morricone > John Williams

Yeah I said it!

The cinematography and direction is absolutely amazing. Sergio Leone proves once again what you can do with just a 35mm film camera, as all of the shots, whether it's a close-up, a wide landscape shot, or a bridge blowing up, every single frame in this movie is perfect. Leone is one of my favourite directors of all time, and this movie is the best directing job he's ever done! But I'm pretty sure you already know that... so I'll move on.

The last thing I want to talk about is, fittingly, the ending. And...

Oh you know what, I'm just going to show you the final duel, because no words I can use can ever describe the awesomeness of this scene! Here you go...

Awww yeah that scene is just... fuck, the word that can describe the perfection of it doesn't exist! And the one liner at the end of it is one of my favourite movie quotes of all time! Of course, you get one more awesome one liner by Tuco to top everything off... "HEY BLONDIE, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE??? JUST A DIRTY SON OF A BA-A-UGH-A-OHHHH."

Awesome.

To put it quite simply, this is one of my all time favourite movies. This is Sergio Leone's finest piece of work, the characters are legendary, the writing and acting is perfect, the cinematography is gorgeous, the music is hair-raisingly great, and, well, it's virtually flawless! Heck, the only flaw I can think of is the dubbing, and as I've already explained, it's not really a bad thing!

This movie is 1000 loaded guns out of 1000. Cinematic perfection, my friends...

Of course, the comments section is there for you to call this movie overrated and to make fun of me for being some blind fanboy or whatever.

- Mad Mike of Metal

Mad Reviews: The Godfather Part III

 

Welcome back to Threequel month! It's been exciting for me to review these movies and I had an absolute blast reviewing The Dark Knight Rises with my buddy DonnyFTW which you can check out here.

Well, here we are, guys. This is the big one, the fall from grace, the godfather of movie let downs. What is considered to be one of the worst follow-ups to two classics ever made: The Godfather Part III.

I can remember watching this movie for the first time. It was a long time ago, when I had just finished watching the first 2 movies and I absolutely loved them. They're both absolute masterpieces and well deserving of their critical and commercial praise. So you can imagine how hyped I was to see the third and final installment of the Godfather saga. I hadn't checked Wikipedia or Rotten Tomatoes before watching it, as I didn't want this film to be spoiled for me. All I knew is that it was nominated for 7 Oscars, so that was enough for me to get this trilogy over with.

And... well... this was my exact reaction after watching it:

Seriously? This is what I get? The same team that gave us two of the greatest pieces of cinema ever created gives us this? What. A. Fucking. Load.

Fuck man, where do I even start with this shit? Alright, this movie is set around 20 years after the death of Fredo Corleone, and the once mighty, ruthless Michael, has gone completely legitimate with the family business. Or so we think. We see Michael attending the funeral of this franchise at some church, where he is getting some medal for some saint we don't care about. We then cut to the celebration of said medal, at some party that basically rehashes the same opening sequence of the first two, only this time, it's boring as fuck. We see his son Anthony reading cue cards behind the camera that say he's going to drop out of law school to pursue a singing career, because Michael is a big meanie and Anthony doesn't want to follow in his footsteps. Anthony and Michael argue about it, of course, but Anthony stands firm that he wants nothing to do with law because he hates his dad, even though later in the movie, he plays a song for him... but he HATES him! Yeah makes total fucking sense! Sort out your issues, kid.

It's good thing that Mike's daughter Mary is unable to express any emotions and has no personality, so at least there will be no outbursts with her.

Sonny's son Vincent decides to join the party, because he wants to talk to Michael about Fat Tony. Apparently, Fat Tony is also a big meanie and Vincent wants him out of the picture. After chatting with Mikey, Mikey decides to bring Fat Tony in his office so he and Vincenzo can make peace. Vinny responds by going Mike Tyson on Fat Tony's ass and the bad blood still remains.

So after the plot zig-zags through a purchase of some church real estate or whatever, we end up at a huge meeting with Michael, Vincent, Tuco Ramirez and Fat Tony from Criminal Minds. Everyone there agrees that Fat Tony is the biggest meanie of them all, and he declares that Michael is his enemy. Fat Tony then leaves the place and has a helicopter completely shoot the meeting up, just to prove how much of a big meanie head he is. Mikey, Vinny and Tuco all survive, because this movie, for some stupid reason, needs to be longer.

So we then cut to Michael in his apartment assessing the situation. Vincenzo wants to kill Fat Tony Zasa, but Michael refuses... Unfortunately, Michael suffers a stroke from diabeetus and ends up in the hospital. While Michael recuperates, his daughter Mary ends up sleeping with Vincent and...

Oh fuck, you have got to be fucking kidding me, I'm going to stop right there and talk about this stupid shit for a second...

INCEST? REALLY?

What the fuck, man? Why is this happening? What creepy disgusting pig thought of writing this horrible plot line? Like... eww! Seriously, what is the whole god damn point of these two people hooking up? To show that it's dangerous to fall in love with a mobster? Well NO FUCKING SHIT! You didn't need cousins fucking to prove that! I do not understand this one bit... like... are we as an audience supposed to root for this "couple" to thrive? Because I have a hard time rooting for incest! It just feels so awkward and forced! I'm not looking at them and going "come on, they need to be together" I'm going "MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!" For fuck sakes, this is downright disgusting and it has no place in a movie series like this!

This is not The Young and the Restless

This is not Jerry Springer

This is not Game of Thrones

This is the fucking GODFATHER!

GET YOUR INCEST OUT OF MY GODFATHER!

Seriously, if the point you were trying to make with this was "It's dangerous to fall for a mobster," then you could've just developped Vincent's relationship with Bridget Fonda's character and it would've hammered the same point home, and it wouldn't have been horrendously awkward in doing so! Like... eww! Incest! Get that out of here!


Fuck, I'm going to take a shower now because just watching that "love story" made me feel disgusting. Here, just watch this scene so you can remind yourself of how good this saga was at one time.

Ok, I'm back now. Where was I before the... you know what? Oh who cares. Michael recovers, they go to Sicily to watch Anthony perform an opera, some plot convolution with the Vatican crap happens. Michael confesses to a priest, which is totally out of character, even Connie points it out. They plot to kill all competition in a climactic sequence that's basically same as the first movie, just switch out the baptism for an opera. And then we're supposed to feel bad when Michael's daughter, who has no personality outside of being an incestuous nut job, gets gunned down at the stairway. We then cut to a final scene with Michael as an old man that is completely out of nowhere, and he dies... okay? Jesus fucking Christ. Coppola, what have you done?

This movie adds nothing new to the saga, it constantly retreads territory that did not need to be retreaded. Granted, Part II did borrow a lot of stuff from Part I, but it was still interesting to watch. In part III, the retreads feel so stale and devoid of anything remotely interesting that you can barely watch it! It's as if Coppola and Puzo took copies of the first two movies and threw them in a recycling plant... And the result was this hunk of shit.

Some of the dialogue is obviously recycled, for example: "Never hate your enemies" is just another way of saying "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer", or how about "never let anyone know what you are thinking," that remind of you of anything? To harp on this more would be too hypocritical of me because T2 is guilty of re-using old dialogue, but at least then, it was machines doing it, they were probably just being systematic.

The recycled dialogue is nowhere near as unforgivable as the recycled scenes. The opening sequence is essentially the same as the one from the first Godfather, just switch out a wedding for a medal reception. Not to mention the climax which was a way more obvious example of self-plagiarism! 

In fact, just imagine the first Godfather, but remove any interesting characters or plot lines... Presto! You have Godfather Part III.

The story is so convoluted and disjointed that it doesn't know what it's trying to tell you! Michael's story arc in this movie, I think, is for him to be fully legitimate and to redeem himself from everything he's done. Umm, yeah, kind of hard to do that when you put your psychopath of a newphew in charge of your business, when you're having a bunch of people killed at the end, and you let your fucking sister get in on the action... Yeah, that's some good redemption there, buddy!

While we're on that, if he was supposed to "achieve redemption" in this movie, then why the hell didn't he tell Mary and Connie the truth about Fredo? I'm not a religious man, so I don't quite know how "redemption" works exactly... but I think the first thing you should do is tell the truth, especially to the people you love. Even if it means them hating you for the rest of your life, at least you've cleared the air, and you've redeemed yourself. Instead, he confesses to some priest... why? Because telling these things to a complete stranger is easier and involves less sacrifice.

That is what this movie is telling us, folks: You can continue to do horrible things, but as long as you tell a priest about it and keep your family in the dark, you'll be fine.... wwooooowwwww.

I hate to bring back this photo, but if Francis Ford Coppola can recycle his material, then so can I:

Dear Godfather Part III: GO FUCK YOURSELF!

And since I'm still on this subject, why the fuck would Michael want to look for redemption anyways. He went on in this movie that he did what he did in his life to protect his family. So, to quote Gus Fring: "Then, they weren't bad decisions." His need for redemption just seemed way too out of character for me. The Michael that I got to know in the first 2 movies wouldn't have apologized to anyone, not his kids, not his siblings, not his father, not ANYONE!

Okay, I'm done ripping that apart. So, what else does this movie have for me? Ah yes, the acting... or lack thereof.

And why do I have to talk about this? Because a reviewer who doesn't talk about acting can never be a real reviewer... and I'm a masochistic prick!

My god, the acting in this movie is just... fucking awful! Everyone in this movie looks like they're struggling to remember what the script said... granted, the script didn't make any sense, so it's kind of understandable, but still. One of the most powerful aspects of the first two films is how amazingly well acted those movies are: they're delivery was perfect, the chemistry to between them was phenomenal, and the way they embodied their characters was awe-inspiring. But in Part III, no one could find their way out of a paper bag! It was just putrid!

Al Pacino looked like he was phoning it in, Eli Wallach seemed to be anxious for his paycheck, Andy Garcia was trying way too hard to be like James Caan and failing miserably, and Talia Shire didn't look like she knew where she was!

And, I know everyone wants to hear about this... Sofia Coppola as Mary Corleone. Fuck, I really didn't want to talk about this, since it's been talked about by everyone. But, wow, it's remarkable how terrible of a job she did! To her credit, the material she had to work with was shit, but colisse de stupid fucking god damn tabernacle! Kristen Stewart could've expressed more human emotions than Sofia did, and Stewart was playing a fucking vampire! This has to be the absolute worst occurrence of Hollywood nepotism ever! Not one line she said came out right, not one drop of sweat that came off her pores was believable, not one fucking thing about her performance was good in any way shape or form!

Put it this way, I consider The Godfather Part III to be The Phantom Menace of the Godfather saga. Since that is the case, then Sofia Coppola is the Jar Jar Binks of the Godfather universe. Fuck, I was glad she got shot at the end!

Thankfully, for Sofia's sake, she's gone on to become quite the respectable director. She's made some gems like The Virgin Suicides, Lost in Translation, and Marie Antoinette. So I'm glad she found herself a day job, because seeing her act, in anything, ever again, ughhh...

I'm not sure that anyone in this movie could've acted their way out of a fucking paper bag at the time. Fuck, some of them might've choked on those bags! I've taken soap opera actors more seriously than this! You know what, I can't talk about the acting anymore, it's just too awful on too many levels. Moving on.

I'm going to get to my last item on the list, and that is: Did this movie even need to be made?

I have no idea why this story even needed to be told. The ending of The Godfather Part II was perfect, you saw the family eating dinner at Vito's birthday party, with Sonny and Tom going up in arms about Mike's decision to join the army. When we hear of Vito's arrival, Michael is left alone at the dinner table. It then cuts to Michael in the present day, alone after ordering the hit on Fredo. This brilliantly shows the results of Michael's pride, and how his decisions left him alone and his family in shambles. It was pure genius, and a flawless conclusion to the saga... I didn't need to know what happened afterwards, I felt like it was better to be left open to interpretation.

Part III adds nothing new, retreads old grounds and does a horrible job at it, the story makes no sense, the acting ranges from phoned-in to downright putrifying, and the messages the movie tries to convey are contradicting and completely unclear. So I will ask the question again: Did this movie even need to be made? The answer is no.

So that leaves the question: Why was this movie made?

Here's the answer:

Simple as that. That is the only reason this abomination came to be: The all-mighty dollar.

As you may know, Francis Ford Coppola was going through some financial troubles at the time, and was desperate to get anything done. So what does he do? He gets on the phone with Mario Puzo, comes up with a convoluted mess of a story, slaps The Godfather name on it, and presto! Box office success! Fuck. You.

This is it! This is the biggest letdown in cinematic history! Bar none! Sure, The Phantom Menace was up there with it,  but this is the fucking GODFATHER! The first two movies are absolute masterpieces in the eyes of critics and audiences. The AFI constantly puts them on their "best of" lists, rotten tomatoes has them at 100% and 99% respectively, and audiences around the globe fell in love with those movies's tone, story, characters, and quotes. The Godfather Part III is like the retarded cousin of the first two (yes, I said "retarded", come at me, moralists!), nothing in this movie makes sense, nothing these characters say or do feels real, and nothing in this movie feels like it's going anywhere!

What's most frustrating about this movie is that it was put together by the same people! What the fuck man? How the hell can you fuck this all up? Francis Ford Coppola and Mario Puzo gave us two of the greatest pieces of cinema to ever be made, and this team could've rode off into the sunset with their heads held high. But no, the dollar sign that comes with the Godfather's legacy was too tempting for them to say no to. You know what, just like T3, I get it. They all wanted to make a quick buck, but this is what they gave us? For fuck sakes, they should be disgusted with themselves! They crapped all over an amazing saga, and took one massive shit on their legacies, just so they can cash in. It's fucking disgusting!

This hunk of shit got 7 Oscar nods, guys. SEVEN! OSCAR! NOMINATIONS! WHAT THE FUCK???

Fuck this movie! In the ass! With a big wooden dildo! And may the wooden cock leaves splinters for all of eternity!

This movie is 1 toll booth out of 5. BURN IN THE DEEPEST CIRCLES OF HELL, YOU SHITTY SHITTY MOVIE!!!

The comments section is yours... I guess you're going to say that I "just didn't get it," right? Go fuck yourself.

- Mad Mike of Metal

Mad Reviews: Toy Story 3

This movie singlehandedly ruined teddy bears for everyone.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, let's get on with this, shall we?

And welcome back to Threequel month! As you know, I'll be spending the month of September talking about Threequels... Some good, some bad, some ugly, all will be crammed into this month. I recently did a review on Terminator 3 which you can view here. Now that I've managed to bang my head against the wall enough to forget about that piece of thrash, I'm now going to talk about a threequel that managed to NOT shit on everything you loved about the first two movies... And if you haven't read the title yet, I'm of course talking about the third installment of what is undeniably the greatest animated trilogy of all time: Toy Story 3!

It had been 11 years since the legendary team of Disney and Pixar visited the Toy Story universe. The likes of Woody, Buzz, Mr. Potato Head, Rex had all fallen calmly into the memory bank of children from the 90s. During this decade-and-change-long time frame, the team gave us some classic gems like Finding Nemo, The Incredibles, Ratatouille, and Up. Many, including myself, were wondering why Toy Story 3 was taking so long to get done. Looking back on it, I feel as if Disney and Pixar spent a decade honing and perfecting their craft for this movie, because third installments tend to miss the mark, so these guys knew they had to get it right!

And what was the result? Well, Toy Story 3 doesn't live up to the first two... IT BLOWS THE FIRST 2 OUT OF THE WATER!

This is how it's done, folks. Seriously, the people who worked on Spider-Man 3 and X Men The Last Stand should've waited a few years and taken notes from this movie! Disney and Pixar got it right, and managed to not only make a great Toy Story movie, but completely outdo themselves in the process! So what do I love so much about this movie, you ask? Well, let me tell you...

The direction this movie decided to go in with its story was perfect. Andy is now a young man on his way to college, and has outgrown his many childhood play things. The toys themselves, of course, are depressed as hell, living in a dark toy box and no one wants to play with them anymore, not even Andy's sister. While Woody insists that he and the rest of the plastics should stay committed to Andy, everyone else becomes cynical and start to think that they should move on. There's even a real heart wrenching moment early on where Andy's mom asks if Andy wants to donate those toys and Andy responds with "No one wants those old toys, they're junk!" Woody still stays loyal to Andy after this. But unfortunately, everyone else, including Buzz, want to go to other kids... Well, they get their wish... and it bit them right in the ass. Thanks to a domino effect of bad luck, the plastics end up at Sunnyside, a daycare center where the toys are managed by Lotso, a big pink plush teddy bear.

...And that brings me to the next thing I love, or should I say "love to hate" about this movie: Lots-o'- Huggin' Bear. He's cute, fluffy, soft spoken, and happens to be the big cheese of the Sunnyside toy community. When we are first introduced to him, he's shown as a kind, gentle, loving leader of this group, taking Woody, Buzz and the gang for a look around the daycare center, kindly giving them a new home and giving these newbies a newfound hope for their futures. However, the more time Lotso has on screen, the more we grow to hate him, and the same goes for Andy's toys as well. He sticks the newly arrived toys in the room for the kids aged 2 and under without their knowledge, he then pretends to kill Woody instead of allowing it to be known that he escaped, he resets Buzz when Buzz gets suspicious, and... well, he just becomes an all out jerk. He's a power hungry tyrant who will do anything and step over anyone to get what he wants, and what he wants is himself in charge, and everyone around him fearing him.

Now you do get to know why he is the way he is. Back in his early days, he was the cuddly teddy bear of a little girl named Daisy. After being out in the park with him one night, she fell asleep and her parents took her back home sans Lotso. He was obviously heartbroken, but he wasn't going to let it faze him. He, and his toy pals Big Baby and Chuckles, made the long hard trek back to Daisy's house...

....Aaaaaaaannnnnnnd he was replaced by another Lotso... Ouch.

The feelings of torment and betrayal caused him to snap, and that made him the bear that you see in this movie!

That is one of the many things this movie did right: Instead of just giving us a one-dimensional villain, it dives into what makes him tick. It adds tons of depth and because of that, we as an audience get a better understanding of his character, and we may or may not begin to sympathize with him...

Did I sympathize with Lotso? Nope, not at all. I don't care what he went through, the shit that he does in this movie is flat out despicable... especially towards the end! After failing to prevent the plastics from escaping Sunnyside, Lotso pulls Woody into a dumpster with him, which makes the rest of the toys go diving in right after him. They're eventually taken to the dump, where they're all unceremoniously dropped onto a conveyor belt that leads to an incinerator. Lotso decides to forget his differences and teams up with the plastics to escape their doom. Eventually, Woody and Buzz help push Lotso up a ladder that leads to the button that can shut down the belt. Of course, at this point, you would THINK that Lotso might redeem himself by hitting the button and saving the day... Nope. Instead he just gloats at Woody and runs off... LOTSO! YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!

Seriously, here's your one chance to do good and achieve redemption, and you leave those toys to melt? Go to hell, dick!

That all being said though. Lots-o'-Huggin' Bear is, in my opinion, the best antagonist in this series' history... and that's saying a lot considering how much of an ass Sid was. Overall, he's one of my favourite Disney villains of all time, right up there with Scar, and the aforementioned Sid. The fact that he was a soft, pink, cuddly teddy bear that smelled like strawberries gave a great juxtaposition to the character. Because in reality, he is a bitter, tyrannical, sniffling, cowardly dick head who is completely void of any redeemable qualities. And that's why he's such an awesome villain, because you hate him so fucking much!

Okay, enough about that character, how about the rest of them?


Woody, Buzz, Jesse, Bullseye, Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head, Sarge and Rex all come back for another adventure in this movie, and they're all as lovable as ever. This gang goes through hell and back in this movie, constantly ripping the hearts out of its audience along the way.

The one who goes through the most crap is Woody. He has to deal with the fact that Andy is all grown up and has outgrown him, yet he still holds on to that lingering hope that Andy just might see him and remember the good ole days... Unfortunately that doesn't happen until the very end, and I'll get to that later. We see him find a new home with new toys, we see him longing for the past, and we see him fight until the bitter end to save his friends. He's the one I felt the worst for when the gang was seemingly doomed by the incinerator. All that investment into his character, all the stuff he went through in all 3 movies, and the loyalty he has to his owner, has only lead him to a fiery melting pot of a grave... Of course, that is until... THE CLAWWWWWWW!!!!!!

Buzz Lightyear is just as cool as he's ever been. He goes through his fair share of crap in this movie too. Such as getting reset to demo mode, losing his owner alongside Woody, and of course, nearly getting burnt to death. The funniest part of the whole movie was at his character's expense when an accident switched him a Spanish mode. I can't really describe what he does, but fuck is it ever a huge laugh!

What else is there to talk about? Well, the ending.

There are hints throughout the entire movie that we are saying goodbye to these characters, and it is quite a tearful goodbye. When I saw this for the first time I thought the movie was going to end with them being melted by the incinerator, and when the gang held hands together as they were being descended into the molten garbage, the man-tears started to come out, badly. Of course, I forgot about the aliens and their obsession with the claw. Fuck... just thinking about that scene right now, the way Woody and Buzz just nodded at each other as they grabbed hands... fuck I'm choking up right now just thinking about it. Did I mention how heart-wrenching this movie can get? Never is it more tear-inducing than in that incinerator scene!

Now I'll get to the real ending. A lot of people shed a lot of tears to this moment, and I'm one of them. But in all honesty, it was tears of joy. We see Andy finally accept that he's all grown up and ready to move on, and we see that in Woody too. The most poignant part for me was when Andy looked at the toys before leaving and said "Thanks guys." That just tells me that Andy's childhood wasn't the greatest (not having a father and all) and that those toys were his escape. It's a very heartfelt moment. How many times did you witness something bad as a child and just relegated back to your room to play with your toys? Think about it.

Like I said, the tears I shed at the ending were tears of joy. Joy because Andy and the toys were able to have a proper goodbye, joy because the gang will be in great hands with Bonnie, and joy because one of the greatest movie franchises of all time couldn't have left on a higher note!

Now, did I have any problems with this movie? Well, only one in particular:

I thought Lotso's comeuppance wasn't good enough. After leaving the gang to melt, he tries to find his way out of the dump, but a garbage truck pulls up near him, causing him to go limp. Sid ends up grabbing him and taping him to the front of the truck where he will be catching flies until the day he wears out... THAT'S NOT ENOUGH!

I'm sorry, but he deserved worse. If I had it my way, he would've been dragged to the nearest build-a-bear workshop, had the giant metal tube shoved up his ass, and he would've been pumped with fluffy cotton until he exploded into a million pieces! That would've been the way to go, but... Well, it's a family movie, so, hood ornament it is...

All in all, this movie is a masterpiece! I loved it from beginning to end, even when it tore my heart out at some points. The characters are great, the story is great, the animation is brilliant, and it gives an amazing conclusion to what is one of the greatest trilogies of all time.

This movie is 100 snakes out of 100 boots. One of my favourites.

Of course, use the comments section to call me a pussy for crying.

- Mad Mike of Metal