Mad Reviews: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Welcome to the final review of Threequel month! I just finished reviewing The Godfather Part III, and after going through that hell, I felt like I needed to end this month a good note! With that, I've decided to review what is considered by many to be one of the greatest films ever made: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

Alright folks, this movie is why movies are made. It's the benchmark of great threequels, the yang to Godfather Part III's yin, Sergio Leone's masterpiece, and the greatest western of all time. It's dark, nasty, gritty, atmospheric, unapologetic, and just downright badass. Be prepared for me to jerk this movie off, because I love everything about this classic!

I'll cut to the chase here, the character introductions are brilliant. The movie opens with a close-up of that extra who's always in Leone's films, as he and his posse are in a ghost town, and walking towards an empty saloon. They barge in, you hear three gunshots, and then you see Eli Wallach as "The Ugly," smash his way out of a window. We then cut to the three dudes, with two of them dead and the other one trying to squeeze off one shot. Oh Tuco, you slippery devil!

 He may be ugly but this freeze-frame is fucking cool!

We then cut to a small farming land where a little boy is walking his donkey around the mill. We see a dark horse rider coming from the distance, and we then cut to Angel Eyes "the bad" as we hear the badass bassoon. He walks into the farmhouse looking for the man of the household, and begins talking to him, asking him of the whereabouts of a guy named Jackson, because, to quote Angel Eyes "When I start off to find somebody, I find them! That's why they pay me!" He finds out that Jackson now goes under the name of Bill Carson, and after the man pays him over $1000, Angel Eyes guns him down, along with the man's son. His wife walks in to see, and passes out. Angel Eyes proceeds to walk out of the place like a boss. He then goes to collect the $500 he was originally paid by his employer named Baker, followed by putting a pillow over Baker's face and shooting him to death. Wow, Angel Eyes doesn't fuck around!

I shoot people in the face for fun!

 

We then cut back to Tuco getting knocked off his horse by bounty hunters. One of them comments on how Tuco has a face that's worth $2000... and then, we get the most badass intro of them all! We hear "Yeah, but you don't look like the ones who'll collect it." This is followed by a duel where The Man with No Name (who goes by Blondie in this movie) guns down all three bounty hunters in the blink of an eye. He then brings Tuco in himself, only to save him from execution, just so he can raise Tuco's bounty and have more money to himself. That's a fucking genius plan!

 

However, after Blondie decides Tuco won't be worth more than $3000, he parts ways with The Ugly. Tuco then opens up a can of insults on Blondie, to which Blondie replies... "Such ingratitude, after all the times I've saved your life." I know, right?

 

The way back to town is only 70 miles, dude.

 

 

Like in many of Leone's other movies, the character introductions are fucking cool, and they match the atmosphere of the film. All three of them were built-up beautifully, and the payoffs were filled to the brim with badassery!

 

As for the characters themselves, well, it goes without saying. Tuco Ramirez, Angel Eyes, and The Man With No Name have become iconic and legendary in the annals of film. Blondie is the calm, unassuming gunslinger who has one of the fastest draws going; Angel Eyes is the confident, determined bounty hunter who always finds his man; and Tuco Ramirez is the nasty, oafish jackass who would step over his own mother to get what he wants. These characters are god-like now, often imitated but never duplicated, and they will live on in movie history until the end of time!

 

One of the greatest tricks this movie pulls is this: While Blondie is labeled as "The Good" Angel Eyes is "The Bad" and Tuco is "The Ugly", all three of these guys have each trait within them!

 

I mean, Blondie constantly helps a wanted criminal cheat death for his own personal gain, not to mention leaves him hanging by a thread at the end... that's not really "Good" of him, is it? Tuco may be The Ugly, but there is a lot of bad in him, and you'll know that just by watching the movie. But he does have a very emotional scene where he meets his brother only to find out that his mother died, and for a split second, you can see good in him... He also helps Blondie get nursed back to full health after drying out in a desert, even though it's only so he can find out the name of the grave that holds $200 000... but still, he saved him, right? That's good of him, isn't it? Angel Eyes shows some traits of good in him as well when he decides to partner up with Blondie to find the grave... I mean, he could've just killed him and looked through every grave in the cemetery, but that would've taken forever, but still, it shows that he has a conscience and knows when not to kill someone. His ugly side tends to go hand-in-hand with his bad side, especially when he beats the living shit out of Tuco to find the name of the cemetery.

 

So yeah, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly are all good, bad, and ugly. Get it?

 



These characters are well rounded, fleshed out very well, and extremely well written. The amount of awesome quotes that come out of these guys is too much to keep up with! Classic one liners, like...

"When you gotta shoot, shoot! Don't talk!" -Tuco, after Tuco guns down a dude who wouldn't stop talking about shooting him.

"Every gun makes its own tune." - Blondie

"If you work for a living, why do you kill yourself working?" - Tuco

"We cut down my percentage... liable interfere with my aim." - Blondie

"Idiots... It's for you..." - Blondie to Tuco

"People with ropes around their necks don't always hang." - Angel Eyes

and...

"You're the son of a thousand fathers all bastards like you!" Tuco to Blondie

Now, there's one more one-liner in this movie that is best and most badass quote of the whole fucking movie, but I'll get to that one later...

The casting is great, as Lee Van Cleef, Eli Wallach, and God himself Clint Eastwood were all born to play their respective roles. Wallach, who was a comedic actor at the time, plays the role of the Ogre-ish Tuco beautifully, and it's nice to see him play a good role after seeing him in that cinematic abomination that I've mentioned one too many times in this review. Van Cleef had already played a great role in the previous installment, and it was awesome to see him play a different character in this one, as he effortlessly brings the Angel Eyes character to life. Of course, there's not really much I can say about Clint Eastwood's performance that hasn't already been said. There's great debate on which role is Eastwood's finest, Harry Callahan or The Man with No Name? I'm inclined to go with the ladder, as he brings a quiet confidence to the character that can only be done by him.

I know a lot of people might be turned off by all of the dubbed dialogue, but not me. I actually find that the dubbing adds a dirty, detached quality to the film. This quality very much matches the gritty, nasty tone of the movie... So I guess that's a segue into the tone of the movie, right? Well, if you know about the previous two Spaghetti Westerns in this trilogy, you'll know that this movie is just as brutal, badass, and just as littered with atmosphere. There's just something about this film's tone that keeps you engaged, even when you don't know what is going on. It sucks you into it's world and shows you all aspects of it, good bad or ugly... Haha, get it? Yeah I know it wasn't funny, shut up!

As for the music in this movie... Oh... my... god... The Music! Ennio Morricone just completely nails every scene with his score. The main theme has gone down as one of the most iconic in movie history, and stuff like "The Trio" and "The Ecstasy of Gold" are symphonic masterpieces... the ladder is what I consider to be the best piece of music ever made for a movie... ever! The legendary composer's reputation grew exponentially in this one, that's for sure!

By the way, on that note...

Ennio Morricone > John Williams

Yeah I said it!

The cinematography and direction is absolutely amazing. Sergio Leone proves once again what you can do with just a 35mm film camera, as all of the shots, whether it's a close-up, a wide landscape shot, or a bridge blowing up, every single frame in this movie is perfect. Leone is one of my favourite directors of all time, and this movie is the best directing job he's ever done! But I'm pretty sure you already know that... so I'll move on.

The last thing I want to talk about is, fittingly, the ending. And...

Oh you know what, I'm just going to show you the final duel, because no words I can use can ever describe the awesomeness of this scene! Here you go...

Awww yeah that scene is just... fuck, the word that can describe the perfection of it doesn't exist! And the one liner at the end of it is one of my favourite movie quotes of all time! Of course, you get one more awesome one liner by Tuco to top everything off... "HEY BLONDIE, YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE??? JUST A DIRTY SON OF A BA-A-UGH-A-OHHHH."

Awesome.

To put it quite simply, this is one of my all time favourite movies. This is Sergio Leone's finest piece of work, the characters are legendary, the writing and acting is perfect, the cinematography is gorgeous, the music is hair-raisingly great, and, well, it's virtually flawless! Heck, the only flaw I can think of is the dubbing, and as I've already explained, it's not really a bad thing!

This movie is 1000 loaded guns out of 1000. Cinematic perfection, my friends...

Of course, the comments section is there for you to call this movie overrated and to make fun of me for being some blind fanboy or whatever.

- Mad Mike of Metal

Mad Reviews: The Godfather Part III

 

Welcome back to Threequel month! It's been exciting for me to review these movies and I had an absolute blast reviewing The Dark Knight Rises with my buddy DonnyFTW which you can check out here.

Well, here we are, guys. This is the big one, the fall from grace, the godfather of movie let downs. What is considered to be one of the worst follow-ups to two classics ever made: The Godfather Part III.

I can remember watching this movie for the first time. It was a long time ago, when I had just finished watching the first 2 movies and I absolutely loved them. They're both absolute masterpieces and well deserving of their critical and commercial praise. So you can imagine how hyped I was to see the third and final installment of the Godfather saga. I hadn't checked Wikipedia or Rotten Tomatoes before watching it, as I didn't want this film to be spoiled for me. All I knew is that it was nominated for 7 Oscars, so that was enough for me to get this trilogy over with.

And... well... this was my exact reaction after watching it:

Seriously? This is what I get? The same team that gave us two of the greatest pieces of cinema ever created gives us this? What. A. Fucking. Load.

Fuck man, where do I even start with this shit? Alright, this movie is set around 20 years after the death of Fredo Corleone, and the once mighty, ruthless Michael, has gone completely legitimate with the family business. Or so we think. We see Michael attending the funeral of this franchise at some church, where he is getting some medal for some saint we don't care about. We then cut to the celebration of said medal, at some party that basically rehashes the same opening sequence of the first two, only this time, it's boring as fuck. We see his son Anthony reading cue cards behind the camera that say he's going to drop out of law school to pursue a singing career, because Michael is a big meanie and Anthony doesn't want to follow in his footsteps. Anthony and Michael argue about it, of course, but Anthony stands firm that he wants nothing to do with law because he hates his dad, even though later in the movie, he plays a song for him... but he HATES him! Yeah makes total fucking sense! Sort out your issues, kid.

It's good thing that Mike's daughter Mary is unable to express any emotions and has no personality, so at least there will be no outbursts with her.

Sonny's son Vincent decides to join the party, because he wants to talk to Michael about Fat Tony. Apparently, Fat Tony is also a big meanie and Vincent wants him out of the picture. After chatting with Mikey, Mikey decides to bring Fat Tony in his office so he and Vincenzo can make peace. Vinny responds by going Mike Tyson on Fat Tony's ass and the bad blood still remains.

So after the plot zig-zags through a purchase of some church real estate or whatever, we end up at a huge meeting with Michael, Vincent, Tuco Ramirez and Fat Tony from Criminal Minds. Everyone there agrees that Fat Tony is the biggest meanie of them all, and he declares that Michael is his enemy. Fat Tony then leaves the place and has a helicopter completely shoot the meeting up, just to prove how much of a big meanie head he is. Mikey, Vinny and Tuco all survive, because this movie, for some stupid reason, needs to be longer.

So we then cut to Michael in his apartment assessing the situation. Vincenzo wants to kill Fat Tony Zasa, but Michael refuses... Unfortunately, Michael suffers a stroke from diabeetus and ends up in the hospital. While Michael recuperates, his daughter Mary ends up sleeping with Vincent and...

Oh fuck, you have got to be fucking kidding me, I'm going to stop right there and talk about this stupid shit for a second...

INCEST? REALLY?

What the fuck, man? Why is this happening? What creepy disgusting pig thought of writing this horrible plot line? Like... eww! Seriously, what is the whole god damn point of these two people hooking up? To show that it's dangerous to fall in love with a mobster? Well NO FUCKING SHIT! You didn't need cousins fucking to prove that! I do not understand this one bit... like... are we as an audience supposed to root for this "couple" to thrive? Because I have a hard time rooting for incest! It just feels so awkward and forced! I'm not looking at them and going "come on, they need to be together" I'm going "MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!" For fuck sakes, this is downright disgusting and it has no place in a movie series like this!

This is not The Young and the Restless

This is not Jerry Springer

This is not Game of Thrones

This is the fucking GODFATHER!

GET YOUR INCEST OUT OF MY GODFATHER!

Seriously, if the point you were trying to make with this was "It's dangerous to fall for a mobster," then you could've just developped Vincent's relationship with Bridget Fonda's character and it would've hammered the same point home, and it wouldn't have been horrendously awkward in doing so! Like... eww! Incest! Get that out of here!


Fuck, I'm going to take a shower now because just watching that "love story" made me feel disgusting. Here, just watch this scene so you can remind yourself of how good this saga was at one time.

Ok, I'm back now. Where was I before the... you know what? Oh who cares. Michael recovers, they go to Sicily to watch Anthony perform an opera, some plot convolution with the Vatican crap happens. Michael confesses to a priest, which is totally out of character, even Connie points it out. They plot to kill all competition in a climactic sequence that's basically same as the first movie, just switch out the baptism for an opera. And then we're supposed to feel bad when Michael's daughter, who has no personality outside of being an incestuous nut job, gets gunned down at the stairway. We then cut to a final scene with Michael as an old man that is completely out of nowhere, and he dies... okay? Jesus fucking Christ. Coppola, what have you done?

This movie adds nothing new to the saga, it constantly retreads territory that did not need to be retreaded. Granted, Part II did borrow a lot of stuff from Part I, but it was still interesting to watch. In part III, the retreads feel so stale and devoid of anything remotely interesting that you can barely watch it! It's as if Coppola and Puzo took copies of the first two movies and threw them in a recycling plant... And the result was this hunk of shit.

Some of the dialogue is obviously recycled, for example: "Never hate your enemies" is just another way of saying "keep your friends close, but your enemies closer", or how about "never let anyone know what you are thinking," that remind of you of anything? To harp on this more would be too hypocritical of me because T2 is guilty of re-using old dialogue, but at least then, it was machines doing it, they were probably just being systematic.

The recycled dialogue is nowhere near as unforgivable as the recycled scenes. The opening sequence is essentially the same as the one from the first Godfather, just switch out a wedding for a medal reception. Not to mention the climax which was a way more obvious example of self-plagiarism! 

In fact, just imagine the first Godfather, but remove any interesting characters or plot lines... Presto! You have Godfather Part III.

The story is so convoluted and disjointed that it doesn't know what it's trying to tell you! Michael's story arc in this movie, I think, is for him to be fully legitimate and to redeem himself from everything he's done. Umm, yeah, kind of hard to do that when you put your psychopath of a newphew in charge of your business, when you're having a bunch of people killed at the end, and you let your fucking sister get in on the action... Yeah, that's some good redemption there, buddy!

While we're on that, if he was supposed to "achieve redemption" in this movie, then why the hell didn't he tell Mary and Connie the truth about Fredo? I'm not a religious man, so I don't quite know how "redemption" works exactly... but I think the first thing you should do is tell the truth, especially to the people you love. Even if it means them hating you for the rest of your life, at least you've cleared the air, and you've redeemed yourself. Instead, he confesses to some priest... why? Because telling these things to a complete stranger is easier and involves less sacrifice.

That is what this movie is telling us, folks: You can continue to do horrible things, but as long as you tell a priest about it and keep your family in the dark, you'll be fine.... wwooooowwwww.

I hate to bring back this photo, but if Francis Ford Coppola can recycle his material, then so can I:

Dear Godfather Part III: GO FUCK YOURSELF!

And since I'm still on this subject, why the fuck would Michael want to look for redemption anyways. He went on in this movie that he did what he did in his life to protect his family. So, to quote Gus Fring: "Then, they weren't bad decisions." His need for redemption just seemed way too out of character for me. The Michael that I got to know in the first 2 movies wouldn't have apologized to anyone, not his kids, not his siblings, not his father, not ANYONE!

Okay, I'm done ripping that apart. So, what else does this movie have for me? Ah yes, the acting... or lack thereof.

And why do I have to talk about this? Because a reviewer who doesn't talk about acting can never be a real reviewer... and I'm a masochistic prick!

My god, the acting in this movie is just... fucking awful! Everyone in this movie looks like they're struggling to remember what the script said... granted, the script didn't make any sense, so it's kind of understandable, but still. One of the most powerful aspects of the first two films is how amazingly well acted those movies are: they're delivery was perfect, the chemistry to between them was phenomenal, and the way they embodied their characters was awe-inspiring. But in Part III, no one could find their way out of a paper bag! It was just putrid!

Al Pacino looked like he was phoning it in, Eli Wallach seemed to be anxious for his paycheck, Andy Garcia was trying way too hard to be like James Caan and failing miserably, and Talia Shire didn't look like she knew where she was!

And, I know everyone wants to hear about this... Sofia Coppola as Mary Corleone. Fuck, I really didn't want to talk about this, since it's been talked about by everyone. But, wow, it's remarkable how terrible of a job she did! To her credit, the material she had to work with was shit, but colisse de stupid fucking god damn tabernacle! Kristen Stewart could've expressed more human emotions than Sofia did, and Stewart was playing a fucking vampire! This has to be the absolute worst occurrence of Hollywood nepotism ever! Not one line she said came out right, not one drop of sweat that came off her pores was believable, not one fucking thing about her performance was good in any way shape or form!

Put it this way, I consider The Godfather Part III to be The Phantom Menace of the Godfather saga. Since that is the case, then Sofia Coppola is the Jar Jar Binks of the Godfather universe. Fuck, I was glad she got shot at the end!

Thankfully, for Sofia's sake, she's gone on to become quite the respectable director. She's made some gems like The Virgin Suicides, Lost in Translation, and Marie Antoinette. So I'm glad she found herself a day job, because seeing her act, in anything, ever again, ughhh...

I'm not sure that anyone in this movie could've acted their way out of a fucking paper bag at the time. Fuck, some of them might've choked on those bags! I've taken soap opera actors more seriously than this! You know what, I can't talk about the acting anymore, it's just too awful on too many levels. Moving on.

I'm going to get to my last item on the list, and that is: Did this movie even need to be made?

I have no idea why this story even needed to be told. The ending of The Godfather Part II was perfect, you saw the family eating dinner at Vito's birthday party, with Sonny and Tom going up in arms about Mike's decision to join the army. When we hear of Vito's arrival, Michael is left alone at the dinner table. It then cuts to Michael in the present day, alone after ordering the hit on Fredo. This brilliantly shows the results of Michael's pride, and how his decisions left him alone and his family in shambles. It was pure genius, and a flawless conclusion to the saga... I didn't need to know what happened afterwards, I felt like it was better to be left open to interpretation.

Part III adds nothing new, retreads old grounds and does a horrible job at it, the story makes no sense, the acting ranges from phoned-in to downright putrifying, and the messages the movie tries to convey are contradicting and completely unclear. So I will ask the question again: Did this movie even need to be made? The answer is no.

So that leaves the question: Why was this movie made?

Here's the answer:

Simple as that. That is the only reason this abomination came to be: The all-mighty dollar.

As you may know, Francis Ford Coppola was going through some financial troubles at the time, and was desperate to get anything done. So what does he do? He gets on the phone with Mario Puzo, comes up with a convoluted mess of a story, slaps The Godfather name on it, and presto! Box office success! Fuck. You.

This is it! This is the biggest letdown in cinematic history! Bar none! Sure, The Phantom Menace was up there with it,  but this is the fucking GODFATHER! The first two movies are absolute masterpieces in the eyes of critics and audiences. The AFI constantly puts them on their "best of" lists, rotten tomatoes has them at 100% and 99% respectively, and audiences around the globe fell in love with those movies's tone, story, characters, and quotes. The Godfather Part III is like the retarded cousin of the first two (yes, I said "retarded", come at me, moralists!), nothing in this movie makes sense, nothing these characters say or do feels real, and nothing in this movie feels like it's going anywhere!

What's most frustrating about this movie is that it was put together by the same people! What the fuck man? How the hell can you fuck this all up? Francis Ford Coppola and Mario Puzo gave us two of the greatest pieces of cinema to ever be made, and this team could've rode off into the sunset with their heads held high. But no, the dollar sign that comes with the Godfather's legacy was too tempting for them to say no to. You know what, just like T3, I get it. They all wanted to make a quick buck, but this is what they gave us? For fuck sakes, they should be disgusted with themselves! They crapped all over an amazing saga, and took one massive shit on their legacies, just so they can cash in. It's fucking disgusting!

This hunk of shit got 7 Oscar nods, guys. SEVEN! OSCAR! NOMINATIONS! WHAT THE FUCK???

Fuck this movie! In the ass! With a big wooden dildo! And may the wooden cock leaves splinters for all of eternity!

This movie is 1 toll booth out of 5. BURN IN THE DEEPEST CIRCLES OF HELL, YOU SHITTY SHITTY MOVIE!!!

The comments section is yours... I guess you're going to say that I "just didn't get it," right? Go fuck yourself.

- Mad Mike of Metal