Mad Reviews - Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Ladies and Gentlemen, for the month of September, I will be reviewing a bunch of threequels. I'm not sure how many I can squeeze in this month, but there's plenty of third installments that I can talk about. Some give great closure to a movie series, and others completely butcher everything you loved about the franchise. That's just how threequels work... It's hit or miss, really... But most of them miss... badly...

That leads me to talk about the first threequel to be reviewed by me this month: Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines

Well... for starters, this movie is the answer to the question: "What if Michael Bay made a Terminator movie?"

Yes, I know Bay had nothing to do with this film and that it's directed by Jonathan Mostow, but there's plenty of dumb moments and explosions to give my opening question plenty of merit.

Okay, so I'm going to give you a little history lesson on this franchise. The Terminator is a 1984 action/sci-fi film, directed by James Cameron and starring Linda Hamilton as main protagonist Sarah Connor, Michael Biehn as Sarah's protector/love interest Kyle Reese, and Arnold Schwarzenegger as the Terminator. In the film, a machine called a Terminator is sent back in time to kill Sarah Connor, the mother of the leader of the human resistance: John Connor. Kyle Reese is sent back through time to protect Sarah. The movie was a box office success and received universal acclaim from critics (it has a 100% rating on rotten tomatoes). It is highly regarded as one of the greatest movies ever made, and it launched both James Cameron and Arnold Schwarzenegger into superstardom.

The movie's sequel, Terminator 2: Judgment Day was an even better movie (in my opinion) completely outdoing the original masterpiece in every aspect, from acting, to storytelling, to characters, and to special effects. It had Linda Hamilton and Arnie reprising their roles (with Arnie being to protector this time) and also starred Edward Furlong as John Connor, and Robert Patrick as the deadly motherfucking T-1000. The T-1000 was a liquid metal robot that could turn its hands into knives and chop your dog's head off, it was sent back through time to kill John Connor when he was still a child, while the T-800 Arniebot was reprogrammed and sent back as John's protector. Sarah Connor had gone insane by this point, mostly because of PTSD suffered during the first movie and the fact that no one believed her when she said the world was going to blow up... not even her son. She's fucking nuts in that movie! Anyways, T2 was the definitive blockbuster of 1991, and regarded by many as the greatest sequel ever made, not to mention one of the best movies ever made and my all time favourite for that matter. It cemented Arnie's legacy as one of the greatest action heroes of all time, as well as cemented James Cameron's legacy as the best action movie director ever and one of the greatest directors of our generation... not to mention my favourite director. Last but not least,  these two movies cemented the Terminator series as the thinking man's action franchise.


Now as far as T3 is concerned: If you're not a fan or don't know anything about the first 2 movies... Well first of all, shame on you! And second of all, this movie will probably remind you of Transformers and any other Michael Bay boomfest. Since you don't know of the first 2 Terminators, I'd imagine that you're into stuff like Transformers and such, so T3 might be right up your alley!

On the other hand, if you're die hard fan of the first 2 movies, and you regard T1 and T2 as absolute masterpieces and always mention them as your all time favourite movies... Well... when you're watching T3, the movie is looking right back at you, and it's doing this to you:

Well you know what? FUCK YOU TOO, MOVIE! FUCK YOU TOO!


Alright, so now I'm going to dive into all the problems this movie has... Here's 3 of them right off the bat.

1. James Cameron didn't direct it

This is the biggest and most important reason why T3 should've never entered production. As I've already said, the Terminator series is the thinking man's action franchise, and James Cameron is the thinking man's action director. Terminator is his baby, it's Cameron's dream come to life, literally (look it up you'll know what I mean). To put this franchise in the hands of anyone else is completely insane, as a series that has complex themes, complex characters, and complex storytelling requires the attention to detail and perfectionism that only Cameron can offer. No disrespect to Jonathan Mostow, but he's NOT James Cameron! No one is, and that's why only he can make a good Terminator movie!

And don't be a smartass and say "Well maybe another good director like Spielberg or Scorsese could've made this movie and it would've been just as good." No, it wouldn't have. Spielberg would've oversimplified the story and characters and Scorsese would've focused too much on the characters and forgot about all the cool action. I'm not saying that either one of them are bad directors, as they're both among my favourites, I'm just saying they would've been out of their elements. Much like how Cameron would've been out of his element if he directed Goodfellas or Schindler's List.

My point is that the first 2 Terminators have a perfect balance between relentless thrills and compelling human drama, and Cameron is the best at finding that balance. To put it simply, if a Terminator movie can't be made with James Cameron at the helm, then it shouldn't be made at all.

2. No Linda Hamilton in this movie and Sarah Connor's character is killed off, OFF SCREEN!

This really pissed me off! Sarah Connor is the main character of the whole god damn thing! Throughout the first two movies, we see her transform from a hopeless waitress to a smart, determined mother who will do anything to protect her son. One of the most interesting things to watch in T1 and T2 is her character arc, going from Susie Homemaker to Susie Kill-You-With-My-Pinkie-10-Times-Before-You-Hit-The-Ground.

Linda Hamilton was born to play this role, and she completely nailed it in both movies. And it would've been awesome to see her reprise the role again in this movie... but no, she gets killed off... OFF SCREEN! ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

Look, if you're going to kill off the most important and most compelling character of this series, fine. But give her the epic death that she deserves, and let us fucking see it! The best example I could give for this is Spock's death in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan: He sacrificed himself to save his crew, and his death scene is felt by both his on-screen friends and the audience watching it. In T3, it is revealed that Sarah succumbed to Leukemia in between the events of the 2nd and 3rd movies, and that she fought the disease DURING the events of T2!

Wait... What? WHAT?

So you're telling me that she was suffering from Leukemia while she was in that mental home? Because it didn't look like she was receiving any help from it. You'd think that Silberman would've mentioned that while talking about her to the rest of the doctors! You'd think that the treatment would've weakened her pretty badly to the point where she wouldn't even be able to attempt an escape, not to mention that she would've been forced to move into the minimum security wing to get the proper treatment... and to see her son, because, you know, I think any hospital, mental or otherwise, would allow a son to see their dying mother! Fuck!

Seriously, movie? Killing off the most badass female character ever conceived wasn't enough for you so you had to shit all over T2 as well? You give her pathetic off-screen death that's explained in two lines of dialogue and you manage to completely fuck up one of the greatest movies ever made in the process????

FUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK YOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!




I'll be back, I need to go cool off... While I'm gone watch this scene from T2, it's very fitting for this review since T3 should've been wiped out and nuked before it was even made.

Ok, I'm fine now...

Now I know that Linda Hamilton herself was going through some troubles that kept her from reprising the role, hence why she was killed off... But then again, that's another reason why this movie shouldn't have been made. Simple as that.


3. Edward Furlong isn't cast as John Connor

This problem is much more minor, but I feel like I should still point it out. Now I'm not saying Nick Stahl was a bad casting choice, he did a pretty decent job considering the shitty material he had to work with. It's just that when I think of John Connor, I think of Eddie playing him in T2 and putting on an awesome performance for a child actor. In 2003, he would've been around the same age as John's character in T3, so it would've worked from that perspective. Also, considering that John Connor was written as a low-life drifting junkie in T3, playing the role wouldn't have been too much of a stretch for Furlong.




So that's 3 problems right off the bat, what are some other ones? Well...


The movie as a whole went completely in the wrong direction. T2 was a perfect conclusion to this storyline, as Judgment Day was stopped and all of the characters completed their story arcs. I would've liked it if it took the prequel route... I mean, with a title like Rise of the Machines, that's the direction I thought they were going in. That way we can see what happened before the timeline was manipulated, before the original Terminator and Reese were sent back. I wanted to see how Cyberdyne originally built Skynet, how John and Sarah survived the initial blasts, how John grew to become the leader of the resistance, and maybe, as a wink at the audience, we find out how the T-101 originally came to be (I'm aware of that deleted scene... but I'm not counting that). Stuff like that, for me at least, would've been interesting to see.

But instead of that, we got a complete rehash of T2... in fact... I felt like it was more of a parody than a rehash. Instead of walking into a biker bar, the Arniebot walks into a male strip-club to get his leather clothes. Instead of fighting in a steel factory, we see the Arniebot and the cheap T-1000 knockoff fight in a washroom, swinging urinals at each other. We see Arnie put on Star-shaped glasses instead of Gargoyles. The T-XXX enlarges her breasts to steal a cop's gun, seductively licks blood off a napkin, and fucking orgasms when she finds John Connor! This movie wasn't even taking itself seriously! And even if this movie was meant to be a parody, it was a shitty parody! Hell, it wasn't even better than this parody...

Another big problem is the villain. Whoever came up with the T-X was obviously trying too hard to one-up the T-1000... and failed miserably. Mostly because they tried to make her too sexy. If you want a Terminator to be a woman, fine, but don't give her any flaunting sex appeal. Make her stab the cop with her arm, don't make her enlarge her tits and say "I like your gun" all seductively... sheesh! You gave her all the gadgets and weapons in the world, and even gave her morphing ability... but you forogot to make her intimidating and scary... Good job, guys!

Another gigantic fuck-up is that this movie's overall message completely spits in the face of T2. According this movie, the actions taken by our heroes in the third act of T2 only delayed Judgment Day, and "Judgment Day" is inevitable. So all that "no fate but what we make" stuff from T2 has been rendered completely pointless... Just... wow...

Yes, that is me, facepalming

 

 

 

Like I said before, butchering T3 just wasn't enough for Mostow and company, they had to go crap on T2 as well...

Again... FUCK YOU, T3! FUCK YOU!

This movie is really fucking pissing me off! The Terminator and Terminator 2: Judgment Day are absolute masterpieces. People will be talking about these two movies until the end of time. Both of them were original, revolutionary, action packed, intelligently made, filled with brilliantly complex characters and storytelling. They'll go down as some of the greatest films ever made, and they're right up there with the first two Godfather movies and the first two Alien movies as one of the greatest 1-2 punches in movie history! T3 is a movie that did not need to be made, at least in the way that it was made! The story was complete at the end of T2, it didn't need to be continued at all. I understand that Hollywood is all out of ideas and wants to cash in on everything, you want to make a Terminator movie without James Cameron directing it, and without Linda Hamilton, ok then, whatever, I get it, you want to cash in at the expense of quality filmmaking. But THIS? THIS IS WHAT YOU GIVE US? This could've been so much better if it was done right! Like, holy fuck! If you went the prequel route sans Cameron, it probably would've still had gaping flaws, but at least the franchise would've went in the right direction! To give us this rehash that not only makes fun of the first 2 movies but spits in the face of what T1 and T2 were all about, is downright insulting! It's fucking pathetic, fucking pitiful, fucking atrocious! Fucking everything, fuck you! Fuck... fuck... fuck... FUCK!!! FUCK THIS MOVIE! FUCK IT!


I'll be back... I have to take another breather... I'm not even going to give you a video to watch because I'm too pissed to fucking look for one...









Ok, so after another breather, I bet you want to know if there's anything about this movie that I liked... Well, as much as I hate to admit it, yes. This movie has some redeeming qualities...

The three main actors of this movie, that being Arnie, Nick Stahl, and Claire Danes, all did good jobs playing their respective characters, especially considering how shitty the material they had to work with was. Arnie actually nailed it again as the Terminator, and quite frankly, he stole the show... Even though there wasn't much of a show to steal.

What else did I like? Well, the action scenes were actually very entertaining. The chase scene with the crane is one of the very few highlights from this film. It's good mindless fun... but well, that's not what I'm looking for in a Terminator movie.... I have Independence Day for that. Destroying shit and blowing shit up just for the sake of it isn't what this movie series is about. At least with the action scenes of the first 2 movies, you were invested into what was going on, the chases and explosions had depth and meaning behind it. While the main chase of T3 is well executed... you just don't care about it. Remember when I said this feels like a Michael Bay movie? Well, here you go.

In conclusion, while the actors did a good job, and the chase scenes were at least entertaining, it doesn't save the movie. It suffers from an inconsistent tone, atrocious writing, poor directing, little to no character development, terrible pacing, and it spits in the face of Terminator lore. Is it one of the worst films I've ever seen? No... But it's still really bad, and as Terminator fan, it's insulting!

I'm giving this movie 4 out of 10 as a standalone film... As a Terminator movie, it gets 11 endoskeletons out of 100

As usual... the comments section is down there for all your trolling needs.


- Mad Mike of Metal

Mad Reviews: Guardians of the Galaxy

 

Hello readers, sorry I haven't done anything in the past month, for life has been getting in the way of this blog a little more than I expected. But I'm back and ready to talk about movies again!

I finally saw Guardians of the Galaxy after being in theatres for two weeks (life getting in the way again), and I must say: THIS YEAR IS FUCKING AWESOME!!!!

Yes, I know I said that before in my Dawn of the Planet of the Apes review, but my god! 2014 has produced some awesome stuff and Guardians of the Galaxy is right up there with some of the best movies of this year. So let's talk about this thing...

This is an adaptation of a rarely talked about group of Marvel space renegades. People who don't know the GotG are introduced to Star Lord (played by Non-Lego Emmett), Gamora (played by the Gorn Uhura), Drax (played by Batista), Groot (played by the Iron Giant), and Rocket (a Hungover raccoon who's Limitless when it comes to how awesome he is... Yes I know those puns aren't funny, but who fucking cares?). Together they must stop Villain Von Baddie from using an orb that can wipe out entire planets, yet can be absorbed by three humanoids, a talking tree and a piece of vermin... Ok...

We start out with a young Peter Quill who's at his mother's death bed. After a very emotional scene in which Peter's mom gives him a present just before she flatlined, Peter freaks out and runs out of the hospital... Where gets abducted by a UFO of some sort.

Jump to 2 decades (give or take a few years) later, we see a now adult Quill trying to capture a mysterious orb, in a scene that pays homage to Raiders of the Lost Ark. After a pretty badass battle with some space cops, he manages to get away with this orb. We then learn that his boss Merle Dixon originally wanted the orb, and Dixon places a bounty on Quill's head so large that every bounty hunter in the galaxy is looking for him. Von Baddie sends genetically engineered assassin Gamora after him, while Rocket and Groot go after him as well. All three manage to track him down at the same time on planet Xandar. After another cool fight scene involving all of them, they're all arrested and taken to a huge space prison... There, they meet Drax... And now we have our movie!

That’s all the spoilers I’ll give, so what did I like about this movie? Well first of all, I liked the fact that the tone of the movie was a throwback to many 80’s action-adventures. The movie pays homage to Star Wars, Back to the Future, Indiana Jones, Star Trek, Masters of the Universe, and to a lesser extent, Howard the Duck. The nods to Star Wars are the least subtle, with Rocket and Groot being very reminiscent of Han Solo and Chewbacca in terms of friendship and character traits, not to mention Yondu going all Jabba the Hutt and put a massive bounty on Star Lord’s head. The main villain Ronan nearly reminded me of Skeletor, and did I mention how the opening scene was kinda like the one in Raiders? All of these throwbacks, not to mention a soundtrack full of retro-hits being played on cassettes, really made me feel like I was watching an 80’s action-adventure movie with modern special effects. So that’s one thing I liked.

I also liked how the movie played on the joke that no one knows who the Guardians of the Galaxy are, it doesn’t happen often, but when it does, it’s quite the knee slapper.


The story itself is solid and satisfying, with the main focus being on how this team comes together. By the end of the movie, you really see how well they've bonded, and all you want to do is watch them work together more! It may get clichéd at times, but it really shouldn't hurt the movie, unless you're a nitpicker.

The acting is great in the movie, with an exception that I'll get to later. Chris Pratt pulls in another great performance this year as Star Lord, Zoe Saldana does great as the ass kicker Gamora. But the stand out performances are the voice actors, with Vin Diesel conveying many different emotions just by saying "I am Groot" throughout the whole movie. Bradley Cooper just does fucking fantastic as the voice of Rocket. Who knew that the guy from The Hangover could have the acting chops to make us take a talking Raccoon seriously? Awesome performance!

The protagonists themselves were great, even though some were more fleshed out than others. Quill’s character was the most developed of all as the movie focused on him throughout, and by the end of the movie, you really start to feel for him, especially when he opens his mother’s gift. Gamora is an absolute badass in this movie, then again you probably expected that, since she was molded that way. Drax does a fine job being muscle of the group, and Groot is terrific as the loveable yet dangerous talking tree. But the show stealer is Rocket without a doubt, like I’ve mentioned before, he’s the Guardians equivalent of Han Solo. He’s constantly kicking ass, and when he’s not, he’s being ill-tempered and wisecracking. I won’t give away too much, but he’s definitely the film’s strongest point.

 

OH.... YEAH! 

 

Now with all of that said, you’re probably asking “Does this movie have problems?” Well, the answer is yes… so let’s dive into that.

While the characters that make up this Guardians team are pretty damn cool, a few of the members aren’t as developed as would’ve liked them to be. We know that Drax’s family was killed by Ronan and he’s out for blood, but that about it, it’s too bad this movie could’ve opened up a whole new window of emotional depth if it dove deeper into Drax’s backstory, but unfortunately it didn’t. We get to know Rocket and Groot only on the surface, but not much else, we just know that Rocket is a bounty hunter who hates being called vermin and that Groot is his muscle. So yeah, it’s too bad these characters didn’t get fleshed out more. But I can slightly forgive the movie for that because we’ll likely get to know them more when the sequel arrives.

My other problem is that the main villain, Ronan, is pretty weak, kind of like Nero in the first JJ Trek movie. He’s there for the sake of our Guardians having someone to go up against, and that’s pretty much it. He’s that conventional, “I want to take over the world” type of bad guy. But with that being said, it can be forgiven since the focus of the movie is on how Guardians come to be, not how diabolical they’re villain is.

I also wasn’t a big fan of Dave Bautista’s performance. However, with what I’ve seen from other wrestlers-turned-actors, it could’ve been much worse.

All in all, Guardians of the Galaxy is a fun thrill ride that will make 80’s kids feel like they’re… well… kids again! And It’ll make 90’s and 00’s kids go “what the fuck is Star Lord using to play music?” Is it the best movie I’ve seen this year? No. Is it the best Marvel movie I’ve seen this year? No (Captain America 2 wins that one). But it’s still an awesome summer movie and it will go down as one of the high points of an absolutely legendary year in movies!

I’m giving this movie 92 ooka chakas out of 100. Love it!

As usual, feel free to troll my fat ass in the comments below…



Mad Reviews: Dawn of the Planet of the Apes

I'm just putting this out there right now: 2014 is going to go down as one of the greatest years in movies ever!

Seriously, The Lego Movie, Captain America: The Winter Soldier, God Fucking Zilla, X Men Days of Future Past, How to Train your Dragon 2, 22 Jump Street... All awesome movies! And we haven't even gotten to Guardians of the Galaxy or Interstellar yet! I must say though, that as of right now, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes is the best movie I've seen this year! Heck, it might even be the best I've in quite a few years! It's that good!

The movie begins with telling us how the ALZ 113 Virus, now dubbed "The Simian Flu" pretty much wiped out the human race. We then get an extreme close up on Caesar that would make Sergio Leone blush, as you see him all covered in war paint with his ape tribe ready to hunt down a pack of deer. Eventually, they manage to hunt down one of the deer, but Caesar's son gets a little too anxious and decides to move in on the dead dear... And he gets blindsided by a grizzly bear! Eventually, Caesar and Koba (Simian Scarface) manage to fight off the bear with Koba ramming a spear into the bear's fucking head (Like A Boss)! We then see Caesar return to his home where his ape wife is giving birth to his second child...

Caesar: Family man by day, Badass ape tribe leader by night.

 

This shot is more awesome than a barrel full of monkeys

 

 

Anyways, we then learn through exposition that it's been nearly 10 years since the tribe came into contact with humans. Caesar and Maurice assume that they're pretty much gone... Or are they??? Dun dun duuuunnnnn!!!!

We then cut to a few apes chilling in the forest, where they run into one of the vilest creatures on earth: That dude from Fringe! Anyways, that Fringe guy shoots one of the apes and the rest of his human group comes to his aid. Next thing we know, the entire tribe surrounds the group of humans, and Caesar tells them to "GO!" and they get the fuck out of there.

As the human group returns to San Fran, we learn that part of the Apes territory contains a dam that could give the human group unlimited hydro, and they need to get it activated... By any means necessary... And now we have our movie!

So, you probably know how this movie is going to play out after reading the synopsis, don't you? Well, whatever you're thinking, you're wrong! This movie has plot twists and turns throughout, throwing away any type of clichéd storytelling that you might expect from a blockbuster of this magnitude.

With that said, obviously the strongest thing about this movie is the story, it constantly keeps you guessing and keeps you on the edge of your seat. It'll rip your heart out and put it back in, just so it can have the sadistic pleasure of ripping it out again. I felt as if the Breaking Bad writers took over the storyline of this movie and were taking me to school on how to write an amazing film! So yeah, you get it, the story is absolutely powerful! But what about the characters? Well, they are what drive this amazing story! The characters (especially the ape characters) are awesome!

Caesar has grown since the first film and has become a wise and powerful leader of his ape tribe. He has to deal with his family, as well as keeping his group of apes together as tensions mount with these newly encountered humans. His arc during the movie goes from leader, to peacekeeper, to simian John Connor.  Caesar is mo-capped beautifully by the legendary Andy Serkis, as he makes one of the most complex and powerful characters of the last 10 years come to life. Is Serkis’s performance Oscar worthy? Well fuck yeah, but unfortunately for him, the Academy won’t give it a second look as Dawn of the POTA isn’t a low budget drama. So yeah

 

"ALL HAIL ME!"

 

 

On the human side of things, we have Malcolm, the leader of the small pack of humans that’s trying to reactivate the dam and keep peace with Caesar and the Apes. Over the course of the movie, he forms a strong bond with Caesar, with the pinnacle being when Caesar watches an old home video of himself and Dr. Franco teaching him sign. When Malcolm asks Caesar who that person was, Caesar replies with “A good man, like you”, which to me was one of the most heart-wrenching moments of the film. At the end of the day, Malcolm is Caesar’s human counterpart: He only wants peace, and he wants his race to survive. Jason Clarke did a wonderful job with this character, playing one of the many complex roles in this movie with ease.

We also have human leader Dreyfus, played by acting chameleon Gary Oldman. Going into this movie, I thought his character would be the douchebag of the show, much like the bad guy from Avatar. But he was much more complex than that! Sure, his motivations might be a little heartless, but after you get to know this guy and what he’s been through, you start to sympathize with him. There’s one very emotional moment he has in the movie, where you find out just how much this man has lost, all because of the simian flu. You grow to understand his character, and why he does what he does near the end of the film. He’s an antagonist for sure, but one that the audience might be able to relate to at some point or another.

Back to Ape characters… and now I’m going to talk about the unquestionable badass of the whole film: Koba! The monkey who spent years getting tortured by humans (as evidenced in Rise of the Planet of the Apes), is now Caesar’s right hand ape in this movie. At the very beginning, he’s a very helpful, caring dude, saving Caesar’s ass from a bear and shit… That is, until the tribe makes contact with humans, and his traumatic memories make him snap back into asshole mode. He doesn’t trust humans one bit, he spies on them, gets in Caesar’s face about them, attacks them at one point, and he even tries to start a revolution against them. He’s the film’s main villain, but in all honestly, he’s just another shade of grey like Dreyfus. There’s a scene in the movie where you really get to understand his psyche and his motivations: When the small human group is working on the dam, Koba tells Caesar how he doesn’t trust those human pricks, and he wants to fight them. Caesar tells Koba to let the humans finish their work…  Koba responds by pointing at his scars and saying “Human work! Human work! HUMAN! WORK!” At that point, you really can’t blame him for being the way he is, as humans not only tortured his body, but tortured his mind as well in the process. Koba is mo-capped by Toby Kebbell, and like Serkis, he does an absolutely brilliant job of bringing his character to life.

 

"I'm an ape with a gun, you're fucked."

What I love most about these characters is that there’s no clear cut good guy or bad guy, the characters in this movie are all grey. I applaud the movie for not giving us some clichéd cardboard characters and instead giving them some depth, and allowing us to connect with them, regardless if they’re live action characters or CGI characters.

I guess that’s a segue into the special effects, right? Well, I’ll put it this way: During the entire 2 hours and 10 minutes of watching this movie, I had no idea there were any special effects on screen! That’s how good it was! Everything looked real, especially the apes. There’s a few times where you see an extreme close up of Caesar and he looks like a real ape, not a product of CGI! A good special effect is a special effect that you can’t notice. So props to the effects team for making everything look so real!

All in all, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes had great action, amazing characters, brilliant effects, an emotional roller coaster of a story, a badass climax, and it leaves you wanting more when the film is over, Matt Reeves did a fantastic job as director and I hope he makes the next one! I usually don’t look forward to third installments of a franchise, but I’m looking forward to the next Planet of the Apes movie, because as amazing as Dawn is, it felt like it was building up to something even bigger and better!

The third film will have its work cut out for it, as well as the rest of the movies coming out this year. I don’t know if this film will go down as the best of 2014 in my eyes just yet, but Guardians of the Galaxy and Interstellar are REALLY going to have to blow me away if I’m going to consider it better than this! Fuck, I guess I should’ve waited to see this movie before I did my top 10 sequels list, right?

This movie is 5 apes on horses out of 5. It’s a chimptastic masterpiece and like many movies I’ve seen this year, it might go down as one of my all time favourites!

As usual, the comments section is there for you to call this film overrated.

- Mad Mike of Metal

Mad Lists: Top 10 Sequels

Welcome to another edition of Mad Lists! Since we’ve had approximately 26378 sequels come out in the last few months, with the 26379^th sequel Dawn of the Planet of the Apes coming to theatres this Friday, I figured it would be a good time to make a list of my favourite sequels!

In order for a movie to qualify for this list, it has to be the second installment of a franchise. A sequel to a reboot can count (ex: The Amazing Spider Man 2) and a sequel to a prequel can make the list as well (ex: Attack of the Clones). It doesn’t matter, as long as it’s the second installment to whatever. I know that third installments and so on are technically sequels, but that’s going to be a list I’ll be doing for another time…

Now… Shall we begin?

 

10. X-Men: Days of Future Past

This countdown begins with a film that came out only a month and a half ago. I'll admit that it's ballsy to put DOFP on here so soon, but I truly think it's deserves to be here. After being away from any X-Men director's chair for a decade, Bryan Singer was back at the helm for this sequel to the X-Men prequel First Class, and holy fuck did he ever deliver! The stakes in this movie are higher than ever, the old cast from the original trilogy are all back, as well as most of the cast from First Class, and it all came together so seamlessly. The franchise was a mess before 2011, and Singer (along with the help of Matthew Vaughn) cleaned it up and brought it back to life. You may think it's too soon, and you may even argue that it technically doesn't qualify, but who cares? It's on my list, and if you have a problem with that...

 

9. For A Few Dollars More

Not much needs to be said about this one. The Dollars Trilogy is one of the most iconic trilogies of all time, and this is a terrific follow up to the first installment A Fistful of Dollars. The stakes are higher, the characters are more fleshed out, and the addition of Lee Van Cleef to the cast doesn't hurt either. Clint Eastwood gives another stellar performance as The Man With No Name, in what is considered to be the darkest of this Sergio Leone-helmed trilogy. This movie tends to fall below the radar as it's follow up is one of the best movies ever made. But it's still a classic western and more than worthy of being on this list.

8. Toy Story 2

Another no-brainer... This is hands down the best Disney Animated Sequel ever made (although that's not saying much). This follow up to the CG animated masterpiece Toy Story is also a CG animated masterpiece. This one is a lot more character driven as you get to know the origins of Woody and more of the background of Buzz. It also brings some new toys into the mix with Jessie, Bullseye, and the Prospector (Stinky Pete), who are all part of Woody's Roundup, an old tv show. This also has another great antagonist in Al, the toy shop owner who's trying to sell Woody and the rest of his roundup to a museum. A terrific sequel to a terrific movie, that's all I gotta say...

Do you think it's too low on this list? Well, don't get pissed at me just yet...

7. Star Trek Into Darkness



Ok, now you can get pissed! This one is sure to get the comments section raging with keyboard fury. But hey, I love this movie and I'll defend it to my grave.

I absolutely loved JJ Abrams's 2009 reboot of Star Trek, it's one of my all time favourites and I just couldn't wait for a sequel to be made. When I saw this last year, I was blown away from the get go. The action is great, the characters are awesome, Benedict Cumberbatch did an amazing job in portraying Khan, Star Trek's most iconic villain. I know the "throwback" scenes caused a lot of controversy among Trek purists, but to me, I thought it was a great shout out to the Star Trek of old. It breaks new ground for the franchise and still takes its time to pay homage to its roots, and I applaud the movie for that. I know a lot of trekkies hate the Abrams movies and this one especially, but I guess I'm in the minority by saying that this is an amazing sequel and more than worthy of putting on this list...

Are you still pissed about this entry? Well, if you are...

6. Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan

Trekkies can relax now... Did you really think I would do a list of top 10 sequels without including this gem? In terms of how better a sequel is than the first installment, The Wrath of Khan ranks highest in that category. After the colossal failure that was Star Trek The Motion Picture (which is the worst ST movie in my opinion, seriously, did anything even happen in that movie?), director Nicholas Meyer took over the reigns of the franchise and gave it one of its finest, if not the finest film with the name "Star Trek" attached to it. The acting is phenomenal, Ricardo Montalban puts on the performance of his life as Khan Noonien Singh, one of the most memorable movie villains of all time. The chemistry between Shatner and Nimoy has never been better, and Kirstie Alley does great in her first ever role. The story is amazing and inspiring, with a villain whose over-confidence and need for revenge is his downfall, in an almost Ahab-like fashion... Not to mention an ending that can make any grown man ball his eyes out... Seriously, this film is awesome! Absolute slam dunk on this list.

And... well... sorry, I just have to...

 

5. The Godfather Part II

WHAT??? GODFATHER PART II IS ONLY NUMBER 5? SEE YOU AT
THE TOLL BOTH YOU SON OF A BITCH!!!

I know I know, I may have put this one a little too low on this list, but it doesn't mean I don't absolutely love this movie! A masterful companion piece to The Godfather, this movie is part sequel and part prequel, as it tells the story of Michael's reign as the head of the Corleone family, all while telling the tale of young Vito Corleone's rise to power in the early 1920s. The themes of love, family, power, betrayal and vengeance are brilliantly presented and prominent throughout the film. The tone is great, the acting is great, the story is great, okay you get it, it's awesome! Moving on...

 

4. Aliens

Those who know me know that they'd be seeing a James Cameron movie on this list at some point. I'm a Cameron fanboy and this is one of his finest works. How many times has a sequel that's as good if not better than its predecessor, been made with a new director at the helm (and the old director having nothing to do with it)? This is probably the only time that has happened (correct me if I'm wrong, internet). Ridley Scott's Alien is a Sci-fi/Horror masterpiece, hauntingly suspenseful, and still to this day is scary as hell. While James Cameron's Aliens stays true to Ridley Scott's vision, it adds tons of action to the mix, and it fits in wonderfully with all of the other elements. Quotable, suspenseful, action packed, and downright terrifying... This is one of the most well crafted sequels ever made.

3. Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back

What can I say about this one that hasn't already been said? Nothing really, but I'll ramble on anyways...

After the massive success of Star Wars in 1977, a sequel was a no doubter, and as you could imagine, expectations were high as hippies. In my opinion, TESB didn't meet expectations... it blew them out of the water! This is without a doubt the darkest Star Wars movie, and the best written in my opinion... Oh heck it's the best Star Wars movie of all as far as I'm concerned. The asteroid chase scene is awesome, Darth Vader is as evil as ever, Yoda is cool, Lando is cool, Boba Fett is cool, and the climax is one for ages. This is one of the best movies I've ever seen, and it only gets better with age.

 

2. The Dark Knight

Holy fuck this movie is fucking awesome!!!

Batman Begins is absolutely amazing movie, and to me is a blueprint of how reboots should be done. When this sequel came around... Well, I'll never forget how blown away I was when I saw The Dark Knight in theatres for the first time (and second time for that matter). To paraphrase the Lego Movie: Everything was awesome! The action is pulse pounding, the car/truck chase scene has got to be one of the greatest chases in movies. The suspense is edge of your seat, especially during the attempted rescue of Rachel and Harvey Dent. The acting in this movie is top-notch, I happen to be in the minority when I say I love Christian Bale's performance as Batman, raspy voice and all. Heath Ledger as The Joker... Well, that speaks for itself at this point. Aaron Eckhart was amazing as Harvey Dent, Michael Caine nailed it as Alfred again, and Gary Oldman was perfect for Gordon! The story is just as chaotic as the film's main villain, the cinematography is crisp and breathtaking... Just... Wow! This is an amazing sequel, and it lands at number 2 on this list!

 

 

 

Drum roll please... And my number 1 favourite sequel of all time is...

 

 

 

 

1. Terminator 2: Judgment Day

 



The word "masterpiece" gets thrown around a lot these days, but there's no real other word to describe this movie! 1984's The Terminator has gone down as one of the greatest and most original Sci-fi movies ever made, and expectations with T2 were higher than ever. The result was in my opinion the greatest sequel ever made! Everything about this movie is top notch. The story is fantastic, with the stakes being much higher than they were in the first movie, young John Connor must survive the wrath of the T-1000 and with the help of his mother and the T-800 model 101. The characters have now reached legendary status, the T-800 is one of the most iconic characters in movie history, Sarah Connor might be the most badass chick in a movie not named Ellen Ripley, and the T-1000 is the deadliest villain ever created in the history of film!

 

 

 

The acting is fantastic as everyone plays their roles perfectly, especially Edward Furlong and Linda Hamilton... And Arnie and Robert Patrick. The special effects still hold up to this day, the cinematography is absolutely perfect. The action is relentless, yet the movie still manages to slow down at the right times to give us depth and allow the audience to become connected to these characters. It combines action, human drama, Sci-fi, and horror. I've never seen a movie before or since that has combined all of those elements so seamlessly! Seriously, there's nothing in this movie that takes a back seat, nothing! This is James Cameron's finest piece of work, and in my opinion, the number 1 sequel of all time! It's cinematic perfection!

PS, this is my all time favourite movie, in case you didn't notice.

 

Enjoy this sendoff music...

 

                                      

So yeah, that's my list. Like it? Don't like it? Do you just want to troll? The comments section is down there...

Mad Reviews: Independence Day

I'd like to wish all of my American friends a Happy 4th of July! In the spirit of this day, I'm going to talk about (you guessed it) Independence Day!

Yes, I know I'm not the first reviewer in the world to talk about this movie on this fateful date, but it was either this or Team America: World Police. Since comedies are hard to review (there's only so many times I can say "this part was funny!"), I chose to review one of the greatest pure summer blockbusters of all time! Well, let's get this shit started, shall we?

Independence Day stars Lonestar as US President Tom Whitmore, Dr. Ian Malcolm as David Levinson (although Malcolm is actually playing Jeff Goldblum), Captain Steven Hiller as Will Smith, a bunch of other people with faces, and one of the coke dealers from Scarface. These people must band together in order to save the human race from an alien invasion.

The movie starts on July 2nd with an Imperial Star Destroyer... Err, Alien mother ship flying over the moon. As earthlings discover this bizarre object in the sky, they begin to scramble for information. As the ship breaks off into tinier pieces, politicians and Americans begin to panic even more. As these tinier pieces begin to enter the atmosphere, chaos on earth ensues. People are unsure whether these aliens are friendly or if they're about to wipe out every living thing on earth. Jeff Goldblum doesn't believe they're friendly, and with the use of his Cliché Technobabble Machine, discovers that these aliens are getting ready to shoot atom bombs out of their ships. So he rushes to Washington DC to warn his ex wife and president she was supposedly banging. Thankfully they believe him and they rush out of DC in time. The Fresh Prince's fiancée manages to get out of LA as well, along with the dog Boomer...

Of course, these Aliens end up wiping out New York City (at least Manhattan anyway), Los Angeles, Washington DC, and a bunch of other international cities that don't matter because this movie is for A'muricans!

A counter attack is attempted on the morning of July 3rd, but the alien ships are covered up with Spearmint shielding and the US Air Force gets pounded. Thankfully though, Will Smith manages to capture one of the alien beings by blinding it with a parachute, crashing its ride, and knocking it the fuck out! To all kids reading this, Will Smith was actually awesome in the 90's, and could pretty much beat the shit out of any alien that came his way! Chuck Norris was his fucking secretary!

Will eventually gets this creature over to Lt. Cmdr. Data at Area 51, just around the time that the survivors from DC get there on Air Force One. Unfortunately, Smith forgot to tell Data the alien wasn't dead, and the telekinetic fuckbag begins killing everyone in the autopsy room, including Data! GOD DAMMIT WHY DOES EVERYONE HAVE TO KILL DATA OFF?????

Anyways, this alien eventually communicates with President Lonestar's mind and warns him of earth's impending doom, because humans are stupid and they haven't figured that out yet. They try to nuke these spacecrafts instead of just sending planes after them (why didn't they do this in the first place?), but that fails miserably. Will Smith manages to reunite with his total fox of a fiancée, but Lonestar's wife ends up dying, and the day closes out leaving everyone without hope. I mean, if nukes can't beat them, what can?

We are now on the morning of July 4th (cue title), and Ian Malcolm is all pissed off about how recycling will destroy the world... Because... Uhh... Aliens aren't doing that already. Thanks to his dad warning him about a cold, Goldblum remembers the time when he watched War of the Worlds as a child and decides to rip that movie off. With this, he devises a plan to go into the mothership with an old alien craft, implant a computer virus that'll deactivate all shields, and coordinate a worldwide attack on those motherfuckers. I guess he's really banking on these aliens not renewing their Norton subscription, isn't he?

He goes on this trip with Agent J to the mothership, they dock with it, Goldblum's computer gives a reference to 2001: A Space Odyssey (hey. that movie gave birth to this review site, I guess I'll applaud it for that), and he implants the virus that eventually leads to the aliens' demise... Yep, you got that right, fucking nukes couldn't bring these fuckers down, but a Trojan Tracking Cookie could! WHAT THE FUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKK!!!!

So the attack back down on earth isn't working out as well as it hoped, until one drunk redneck decides to go kamikaze on those bastards and flies his jet right into their primary weapon, reversing the effect of the weapon and blowing up the ship! This saves the day as the word spreads out how to beat these guys, and everything ends just fine... ALL BECAUSE OF AMUUUURRRRRICAAAAAAA!!!!

Ok, even though I've satirized and made fun of all of this movie's nonsensical and dumb moments, that's not what this film is about, it's not supposed to make you think. This is a fun, action-packed, over-the-top popcorn movie that you're supposed to go watch and shut your brain off for a while. That's what this movie sets out to do, and it accomplishes that tenfold!

The acting is decent, Jeff Goldblum plays his usual Jeff Goldblum self, and he has mastered that role! Will Smith is cool in this movie, he was a rising star at the time and Independence Day put him on top of the world... Bill Pullman does fine as the president here, although that speech near the end was cheesy as hell!

The writing isn't that good, it does enough to get by, but you're not going to watch this movie to hear a mind-blowing script and amazing dialogue. This an alien disaster thrill ride, not The Godfather.

The action scenes in this movie are breathtaking. Blowing up buildings and plane battles and punching in aliens the fucking face and shit... Yeah, FUCKIN' EH!

All in all, this movie has massive flaws and tons of illogic, but you know what, I think it's fucking awesome! I like it for the same reasons I like Jurassic Park, the story may be weak, but it just has an awe-inspiring factor to it that you can't ignore. Independence Day is a movie that knows what it is, it knows what its purpose is, and just has fun with it, and it allows the audience to have fun with it too. Need I say more?

I'm going to give this movie 896 Will Smith punches in the face out of 1000.

I know that rating might not make sense to you, considering all the problems I pointed out in this review... But hey, maybe I'm just as illogical as this movie is...

As usual, the comments section is down there for you to talk about some random spam diet you're going on that'll make you $1400 or some shit...

I'm out

- Mad Mike of Metal